well...
the cat is out of the bag, I have been bursting to say something, but I am very happy to say I have been commissioned to make a pilot for the script - cuirrently called The Inn Mates, which I developed as part of the College of Comedy.
Click here for the story in Broadcast
I'll let you know more on casting and the like as we have it, but for the moment a little bit about the idea.
I grew up in a pub, a very small pub on the edge of a council estate from the age of 4 to 21. I started work behind the bar when I was 16. The characters I met when I was there still inform my comedy writing to this day and I think they always will.'
I always wanted to write a sitcom about a pub, but was always a bit too terrified to try as Craig Cash and Phil Mealy did it so bloody well in Early Doors, and Al Murray did it studio-style in Time Gentlemen Please. Tony Roache did the hyper insane World of Pub and with pubs playing various roles in various sitcoms throughout the ages I was struggling to see how I could come up with anything new.
Then I had an idea... pubs are all about the people who go there. what about a sitcom set in a pub where you never see the bar. So after a lot of brainache I set it in the dining area of a harvester style pub where people go for their Sunday lunch.
It's moved on a bit since then. It's not just going to be in the pub, but the pub did give me the focus to create the characters and I'm now having a lot of fun taking them outside.
It won't be anything like Early Doors. I'd never dare try to imitate something I love so much. It's just a world full of characters I love who make me laugh. I just hope it does the same for everyone else.
There's a long way to go and this, now, even after all this time, just feels like the beginning of the journey. If you want to know what happens along the way then I'll keep you posted. Fingers crossed.
Wednesday 18 November 2009
Monday 19 October 2009
shaking dog
work, work, busy, busy...
I'm very happy to say I've been commissioned to write a script for a mainstream sitcom idea I pitched a month or so ago. My first proper original commission. Okay, so it's not a series, it's not even a pilot, but it's a proper grown-up commission and I'm very happy about the fact. It feels like I've reached a personal milestone.
On a shelf at the far end of my office - which is a converted garage - there used to be a bottle of Champagne I'd been saving for when I finally get an original series commissioned, but as this script commission coincided with my mum's birthday it seemed like a perfect time to crack it open. Plus it meant I didn't have to go to the shop.
It's not easy this script writing malarkey you know. The most difficult bit is coming up with good original relationships and characters who react in believable ways to drive the story forward. I know that's stating the obvious, but it's true.
I was lucky enough to be asked to write a script for an existing show a while back, it was a real seat-of-the-pants job and needed to be done in two weeks. But it was easy because they gave me a 'series bible' with an intricate breakdown of who all the characters were, the tone and theme of the show.
but coming up with original stuff... I always find it a struggle. I have already done a first draft of this new project and completely binned it. I honestly don't think there's anything I can use from it other than the opening scene. But that's what they're for. It gave me an idea for the structure of the storiesand I could see the characters starting to come alive.
I know the tone I want and I have a rough idea of who these characters are. From that point I find there's nothing I can do other than write it, because it turns into a sort of symbiotic process of story and character feeding each other as I write them and slowly, coming alive.
I'm now working on a second first draft which begins about half way through the original first draft, has done away with a character and two locations. I am going to really go for it this week and try to get this finished by Friday.
My self imposed deadline for getting it over to the Beeb is November 10, because that's when Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 comes out and I am genuinely excited about getting my hands on it.
Elsewhere what the commission means iis I've had to put the Big Bear script on hold for a while. I finished a first draft which I wasn't particularly happy with - but not madly unhappy with, it was definitely getting there - and sent that over just to show willing. I'm looking forward to seeing their new sitcom Big Top when it goes out on BBC1 in December.
It's been nice to start seeing my name in credits at last. the new Dragons Den online series on BBC2, Gigglebiz on CBeebies both had me in the same day last week. I know I'm the only person in the world to either know or care about that, but it was nice.
I sent some stuff over for Armstrong and Miller, which I haven't heard back from and I've been very busy getting completely ignored by Funny or Die.
Anyway, must crack on. The dog is shaking - she can see a squirrel.
I'm very happy to say I've been commissioned to write a script for a mainstream sitcom idea I pitched a month or so ago. My first proper original commission. Okay, so it's not a series, it's not even a pilot, but it's a proper grown-up commission and I'm very happy about the fact. It feels like I've reached a personal milestone.
On a shelf at the far end of my office - which is a converted garage - there used to be a bottle of Champagne I'd been saving for when I finally get an original series commissioned, but as this script commission coincided with my mum's birthday it seemed like a perfect time to crack it open. Plus it meant I didn't have to go to the shop.
It's not easy this script writing malarkey you know. The most difficult bit is coming up with good original relationships and characters who react in believable ways to drive the story forward. I know that's stating the obvious, but it's true.
I was lucky enough to be asked to write a script for an existing show a while back, it was a real seat-of-the-pants job and needed to be done in two weeks. But it was easy because they gave me a 'series bible' with an intricate breakdown of who all the characters were, the tone and theme of the show.
but coming up with original stuff... I always find it a struggle. I have already done a first draft of this new project and completely binned it. I honestly don't think there's anything I can use from it other than the opening scene. But that's what they're for. It gave me an idea for the structure of the storiesand I could see the characters starting to come alive.
I know the tone I want and I have a rough idea of who these characters are. From that point I find there's nothing I can do other than write it, because it turns into a sort of symbiotic process of story and character feeding each other as I write them and slowly, coming alive.
I'm now working on a second first draft which begins about half way through the original first draft, has done away with a character and two locations. I am going to really go for it this week and try to get this finished by Friday.
My self imposed deadline for getting it over to the Beeb is November 10, because that's when Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 comes out and I am genuinely excited about getting my hands on it.
Elsewhere what the commission means iis I've had to put the Big Bear script on hold for a while. I finished a first draft which I wasn't particularly happy with - but not madly unhappy with, it was definitely getting there - and sent that over just to show willing. I'm looking forward to seeing their new sitcom Big Top when it goes out on BBC1 in December.
It's been nice to start seeing my name in credits at last. the new Dragons Den online series on BBC2, Gigglebiz on CBeebies both had me in the same day last week. I know I'm the only person in the world to either know or care about that, but it was nice.
I sent some stuff over for Armstrong and Miller, which I haven't heard back from and I've been very busy getting completely ignored by Funny or Die.
Anyway, must crack on. The dog is shaking - she can see a squirrel.
Tuesday 25 August 2009
big computer keyboard
Gosh... has it really been a month?
I'm kind of struggling to keep this up to date, and there are a number of reasons for this -
1. I very rarely think I have anything interesting to say.
2. August, and the Edinburgh festival. Every man, his dog and his midget trapeze troup are blogging. the ether is thick with blogs. tales of drunkenness and fingering and ... all sorts of things that make me wish I was there.
3. congenitally lazy. No. Not lazy, efficient. Just not efficient at updating the blog.
4. the little one spilt tea all over my big computer keyboard - that's my keyboard for my 'big' computer, ie. not the laptop; before you go thiking I have some sort of giant novelty computer keyboard. It's just a normal keyboard on whih the cursor keys don't work and the 's' sticks. All very annoying.
I've spent the last month hammering out one pagers for three ideas I have. Two are fairly mainstream sitcoms and one is a radio sci fi series. I love them all. One is based on an ex girlfriend's family, one is based on my own family and the sci fi is based on an idea I've had knocking around for a while.
I've also been doing a lot of reading up and researchfor a script I'm putting together for Big Bear Films. It came from a short play I wrote which they really liked and want to develop into a comedy drama.
I've spent the last month just letting the idea gestate. I feel I'm getting to a point now where I can start to script it.
So I will. Tomorrow, just as soon as I've cleaned the keyboard.
I'm kind of struggling to keep this up to date, and there are a number of reasons for this -
1. I very rarely think I have anything interesting to say.
2. August, and the Edinburgh festival. Every man, his dog and his midget trapeze troup are blogging. the ether is thick with blogs. tales of drunkenness and fingering and ... all sorts of things that make me wish I was there.
3. congenitally lazy. No. Not lazy, efficient. Just not efficient at updating the blog.
4. the little one spilt tea all over my big computer keyboard - that's my keyboard for my 'big' computer, ie. not the laptop; before you go thiking I have some sort of giant novelty computer keyboard. It's just a normal keyboard on whih the cursor keys don't work and the 's' sticks. All very annoying.
I've spent the last month hammering out one pagers for three ideas I have. Two are fairly mainstream sitcoms and one is a radio sci fi series. I love them all. One is based on an ex girlfriend's family, one is based on my own family and the sci fi is based on an idea I've had knocking around for a while.
I've also been doing a lot of reading up and researchfor a script I'm putting together for Big Bear Films. It came from a short play I wrote which they really liked and want to develop into a comedy drama.
I've spent the last month just letting the idea gestate. I feel I'm getting to a point now where I can start to script it.
So I will. Tomorrow, just as soon as I've cleaned the keyboard.
Monday 27 July 2009
bed bugs for free
So then, the little 'un was one last week. And we had a big party in the garden. Lots of fun was had by all. This week she is celebrating the anniversary of her birth with a rather smelly bout of explosive diarrhoea.
I was in Halifax last night at the inaugral Halifax Comedy Festival, where I had the dubious honour of performing 25 minutes of comedy to about 25 people in a badly lit theatre.
It went, probably about as well as it could have gone given the circumstances. I left thinking that if I never go back to Halifax again it would be no bad thing for either of us.
Then this morning my agent emails. Apparently this Friday I am in... yes... HALIFAX.
I'm doing a gig at the Victoria Theatre bar - it's a club booked by Off The Kerb which has run for years and is usually a great little gig. Am I looking forward to it? Meh.
That sort of sums up the gigging week for me. On Saturday I'll be performing in a tent at the Fringe Festival - no not that one, one in Stockton-on-tees, at 5pm. Yes, that's rtight, comedy, in a tent at 5pm.
I didn't know it was in a tent when I booked it, and to be fair my agent hasn't told me it's in a tent. I only found out by doing a bit of googling to see who else I'm on with. I reckon he's saving that special bit of info for later in the week.
I reckon he's got a box of bad news that he keeps by his desk and if something upsets him, he dishes a little bit of it out and thereby makes himself happy again.
In thursday I'll be in a liverpudlian cellar. God I really hate this job sometimes.
Still tomorrow I'm off down to fancy London to meet some people I really like, to talk about things I really want to write. To temper this streamk of positivity I will be staying in a hotel called the Premier West which costs £55 a night and received the following review on tripadvisor:
Do you like dirty, worn bedlinen with holes in them? Are you a fan of broken, unvarnished furniture that a charity shop would not accept? Do you like your tv unconnected on the floor and with the poorest signal imaginable? Or maybe you would like to sit on a toilet that has every previous tenant's rear shaped on it.
If you do then this is the hotel for you!! Experience the thrill of life threatening hygiene standards throughout the hotel, the rush of adrenaline as you want to burn the whole establishment to the ground so noone can book and suffer in it anymore and most importantly, experience the loss of the £56 that could have gone towards a decent night's stay.
So call now and enjoy the stay of your life. If you book in the next 20 minutes we will add bed bugs for FREE!
Well, I don't want to go getting ideas above my station do I.
Can hear wife calling. I think the little one has just gone off again. Must dash.
I was in Halifax last night at the inaugral Halifax Comedy Festival, where I had the dubious honour of performing 25 minutes of comedy to about 25 people in a badly lit theatre.
It went, probably about as well as it could have gone given the circumstances. I left thinking that if I never go back to Halifax again it would be no bad thing for either of us.
Then this morning my agent emails. Apparently this Friday I am in... yes... HALIFAX.
I'm doing a gig at the Victoria Theatre bar - it's a club booked by Off The Kerb which has run for years and is usually a great little gig. Am I looking forward to it? Meh.
That sort of sums up the gigging week for me. On Saturday I'll be performing in a tent at the Fringe Festival - no not that one, one in Stockton-on-tees, at 5pm. Yes, that's rtight, comedy, in a tent at 5pm.
I didn't know it was in a tent when I booked it, and to be fair my agent hasn't told me it's in a tent. I only found out by doing a bit of googling to see who else I'm on with. I reckon he's saving that special bit of info for later in the week.
I reckon he's got a box of bad news that he keeps by his desk and if something upsets him, he dishes a little bit of it out and thereby makes himself happy again.
In thursday I'll be in a liverpudlian cellar. God I really hate this job sometimes.
Still tomorrow I'm off down to fancy London to meet some people I really like, to talk about things I really want to write. To temper this streamk of positivity I will be staying in a hotel called the Premier West which costs £55 a night and received the following review on tripadvisor:
Do you like dirty, worn bedlinen with holes in them? Are you a fan of broken, unvarnished furniture that a charity shop would not accept? Do you like your tv unconnected on the floor and with the poorest signal imaginable? Or maybe you would like to sit on a toilet that has every previous tenant's rear shaped on it.
If you do then this is the hotel for you!! Experience the thrill of life threatening hygiene standards throughout the hotel, the rush of adrenaline as you want to burn the whole establishment to the ground so noone can book and suffer in it anymore and most importantly, experience the loss of the £56 that could have gone towards a decent night's stay.
So call now and enjoy the stay of your life. If you book in the next 20 minutes we will add bed bugs for FREE!
Well, I don't want to go getting ideas above my station do I.
Can hear wife calling. I think the little one has just gone off again. Must dash.
Monday 20 July 2009
boot up, log on, drop out
Oh... yep I'm on a deadline. So I've been fruitlessly surfing the internet and finding incredible ways of procrastinating while a Final Draft document sits open on the desktop occasionally peeping out at me when I close a window.
Things I have done today which didn't need doing:
* contacted council about potential planning permission for an extension we have no plans for in the next five years.
* Applied to some man from Hull Council about a writing job I have no plans of taking.
* posted various pointless posts on internet forums while I should have been working. These included - an opinion on whether Final Draft is better than Word, a pointless bit of banter about something or other
* threatened violence towards a telesales caller - when they called back a second time despite being asked nicely not to the first time (baby in bed)
* wrote a review of a film I watched - for a friend
* went out twice looking for the dog who ran off.
* showered the dog which returned covered in smelly fox poo (okay maybe that did need doing)
* watched some of Peter Pan
* bid on series 1 of Yes Minister
* emailed some people I haven't spoken to for a while
* started researching whether or not NASA and the US government were trying to cover up life on mars. Looked at lots of evidence and I don't think they are.
* double-checked the difference betweena simile and a metaphor.
* looked at listings for rubbish comedy gigs I would never ever play and then wondered why they hadn't asked me to.
And then... I found this... which is brilliant...
How can I write when there are things like this to be watched.
This is how mankind atrophies. Technology has won.
We don't need to read maps any more, or remember phone numbers or addresses. We can socially interact using only our fingers on a keyboard.
Boot up, log on and drop out, is the new mantra. The internet is The Matrix... and THIS is its face...
Things I have done today which didn't need doing:
* contacted council about potential planning permission for an extension we have no plans for in the next five years.
* Applied to some man from Hull Council about a writing job I have no plans of taking.
* posted various pointless posts on internet forums while I should have been working. These included - an opinion on whether Final Draft is better than Word, a pointless bit of banter about something or other
* threatened violence towards a telesales caller - when they called back a second time despite being asked nicely not to the first time (baby in bed)
* wrote a review of a film I watched - for a friend
* went out twice looking for the dog who ran off.
* showered the dog which returned covered in smelly fox poo (okay maybe that did need doing)
* watched some of Peter Pan
* bid on series 1 of Yes Minister
* emailed some people I haven't spoken to for a while
* started researching whether or not NASA and the US government were trying to cover up life on mars. Looked at lots of evidence and I don't think they are.
* double-checked the difference betweena simile and a metaphor.
* looked at listings for rubbish comedy gigs I would never ever play and then wondered why they hadn't asked me to.
And then... I found this... which is brilliant...
How can I write when there are things like this to be watched.
This is how mankind atrophies. Technology has won.
We don't need to read maps any more, or remember phone numbers or addresses. We can socially interact using only our fingers on a keyboard.
Boot up, log on and drop out, is the new mantra. The internet is The Matrix... and THIS is its face...
Friday 17 July 2009
Reel Around The Countryside
Springwatch is the BBC's biggest outside broadcast show with a crew of hundreds and scores of hidden cameras spying on badgers and various other whimsical creatures in their natural habitats.
It's kind of a British countryside version of Big Brother, with animals instead of idiots.
The current host is Chris Packham, who deserves to be recognised for an act of genius in slipping Smiths song titles into the script for each episode.
as this clip demonstrates.
It's kind of a British countryside version of Big Brother, with animals instead of idiots.
The current host is Chris Packham, who deserves to be recognised for an act of genius in slipping Smiths song titles into the script for each episode.
as this clip demonstrates.
Wednesday 15 July 2009
jager bombs
When it comes to drinks I tend to be fairly discerning. Laphroig is my favourite tipple, in a short tumbler with three pieces of ice and a splash of water. I like a G&T, made with Bombay Saphire, Jack daniels with full fat coke or vodka with... anything really.
In terms of grape I'm a big fan of Gavi di Gavi, or anything from Macon. Beer, if it's fizzy, has to come from a country where the men wear leather shorts and have giant moustaches. If it's ale it has to come from an artisan brewery.
So why... oh why did I find myself at 2am stood at a bar in fallowfield dropping shots of Jagermeister into half a glass of redbull, knocking it back and ordering more as if it was the best new discovery since Christopher Colombus dug up an oddly shaped root and said: "I shall call you 'Potato'."
Jager bombs... that's what they were called. I was at a Tuesday night stag do - I know!!! - and it was also a farewell to a dear friend who's buggering off down to London. Next time I see him he'll probably have a Blackberry, an Ipod and an accent.
I felt justified in having a night out as I delivered the first draft of a script on Monday. Now I wait for the notes. It's an odd feeling, it's kind of like waiting for your homework to be marked. Not that I should know because I don't think I did a single piece of homework during my time at school. Actually I did one I can remember. It was for English, it was a story I wrote about being the last man alive after a nuclear war, locked in a bunker going crazy and ended with me leaving the bunker walking out into the radioactive wasteland in the hope of finding another survivor. It got read out in class and, now I think about it, that was probably when I knew I wanted to be a writer.
The script editor will be in touch soon to tell me exactly how wrong I have got it. Just as long as she hasn't written 'see me' in metaphorical red letters all should be fine.
Gigglebiz
the CBeebies sketch show airs in September. Scallywagga 2 starts shooting in a week or so. So that should be fun.
right... better do some work.
In terms of grape I'm a big fan of Gavi di Gavi, or anything from Macon. Beer, if it's fizzy, has to come from a country where the men wear leather shorts and have giant moustaches. If it's ale it has to come from an artisan brewery.
So why... oh why did I find myself at 2am stood at a bar in fallowfield dropping shots of Jagermeister into half a glass of redbull, knocking it back and ordering more as if it was the best new discovery since Christopher Colombus dug up an oddly shaped root and said: "I shall call you 'Potato'."
Jager bombs... that's what they were called. I was at a Tuesday night stag do - I know!!! - and it was also a farewell to a dear friend who's buggering off down to London. Next time I see him he'll probably have a Blackberry, an Ipod and an accent.
I felt justified in having a night out as I delivered the first draft of a script on Monday. Now I wait for the notes. It's an odd feeling, it's kind of like waiting for your homework to be marked. Not that I should know because I don't think I did a single piece of homework during my time at school. Actually I did one I can remember. It was for English, it was a story I wrote about being the last man alive after a nuclear war, locked in a bunker going crazy and ended with me leaving the bunker walking out into the radioactive wasteland in the hope of finding another survivor. It got read out in class and, now I think about it, that was probably when I knew I wanted to be a writer.
The script editor will be in touch soon to tell me exactly how wrong I have got it. Just as long as she hasn't written 'see me' in metaphorical red letters all should be fine.
Gigglebiz
the CBeebies sketch show airs in September. Scallywagga 2 starts shooting in a week or so. So that should be fun.right... better do some work.
Friday 10 July 2009
Dance to the radio
Been meaning to update for AGES... but have been working incredibly hard on three different things - some links for a new Dragons Den show, 40,000 rewrites for Scallywagga and an episode of a sort of Comedy Dr Who for CBBC.
Will update with a proper post soon, but in the meantime, to counter the horrendous cover I posted beloiw of Take That doing Nirvana, here is a steel band doing Transmission.
Enjoy. it's brilliant
Will update with a proper post soon, but in the meantime, to counter the horrendous cover I posted beloiw of Take That doing Nirvana, here is a steel band doing Transmission.
Enjoy. it's brilliant
Wednesday 24 June 2009
Shaddup a yer face.
Possibly the wrongest thing I have ever seen, and quite simply the worst cover version ever done of anything.
Imagine the Osmonds doing Smack My Bitch Up and then multiply it by Joe Dolce.
Anyway here are Take That, doing Smells Like Teen Spirit...
I know!!!
Imagine the Osmonds doing Smack My Bitch Up and then multiply it by Joe Dolce.
Anyway here are Take That, doing Smells Like Teen Spirit...
I know!!!
Friday 19 June 2009
bugger
I had a brilliant idea.
I was reading the other day that when you own your house you own all the sky above it and all the earth below. And that got me thinking... I wonder who lives underneath me. If I was to start digging and carry on through the mantle, the molten core until I popped out the other side... where would I emerge?
Would it be in the garden of some south pacific tribesman or the back yard of a New Zealand sheep farmer. Would I arrive triumphant in a Japanese palace or at an outback barbie.
Who is my neighbour?
I decided to find out. Not only to find out, but once I had found out I decided that thhe neighbourly thing to do would be to go and visit them.
I mean come on, what a great story. I could get an Edinburgh show, a book and probably an hour of telly out of that.
So after lots of scratching of head and fiddling of google earth I made contact with a lady who told me how to calculate my antipode. So I did. And it's slap bang in the middle of the South Pacific.
Bugger.
I was reading the other day that when you own your house you own all the sky above it and all the earth below. And that got me thinking... I wonder who lives underneath me. If I was to start digging and carry on through the mantle, the molten core until I popped out the other side... where would I emerge?
Would it be in the garden of some south pacific tribesman or the back yard of a New Zealand sheep farmer. Would I arrive triumphant in a Japanese palace or at an outback barbie.
Who is my neighbour?
I decided to find out. Not only to find out, but once I had found out I decided that thhe neighbourly thing to do would be to go and visit them.
I mean come on, what a great story. I could get an Edinburgh show, a book and probably an hour of telly out of that.
So after lots of scratching of head and fiddling of google earth I made contact with a lady who told me how to calculate my antipode. So I did. And it's slap bang in the middle of the South Pacific.
Bugger.
Monday 8 June 2009
bar hinge
Yawn... monday. What a start to the week.
The dog is going mad because it's a full moon and my lovely little daughter farted at me while I was changing her nappy.
which was nice.
Bit of a mental week this week. I'm planning to be off next week so I've got to finish a load of Scallywagga rewrites and do about 50 links for a new Dragons Den show on Beeb 2.
And then, possibly, if I get chance, spend a couple of hours making up an amusing commentary for an ITV show called "... Do The Funniest Things" for absolutely no money at all.
The kind people at Granada say that if I can make them laugh then they will give me the chance to go head to head with dozens of other writers all trying to make funnies for the same two-minute clips. The producer then cherry picks the best and the lucky chosen writer gets... £50 for their efforts.
Not sure I'm going to be able to get round to it.
Elsewhere... had some good feedback on my sitcom from the channel controller. Not good enough to give it a pilot, but good in that he liked the characters, the comedy and even the title - sorry Dan not yours. Got some very specific notes and so it's rewrite time again.
Wife has just rung me from John Lewis. We're getting a new toilet seat. One witha bar hinge apparently.
The dog is going mad because it's a full moon and my lovely little daughter farted at me while I was changing her nappy.
which was nice.
Bit of a mental week this week. I'm planning to be off next week so I've got to finish a load of Scallywagga rewrites and do about 50 links for a new Dragons Den show on Beeb 2.
And then, possibly, if I get chance, spend a couple of hours making up an amusing commentary for an ITV show called "... Do The Funniest Things" for absolutely no money at all.
The kind people at Granada say that if I can make them laugh then they will give me the chance to go head to head with dozens of other writers all trying to make funnies for the same two-minute clips. The producer then cherry picks the best and the lucky chosen writer gets... £50 for their efforts.
Not sure I'm going to be able to get round to it.
Elsewhere... had some good feedback on my sitcom from the channel controller. Not good enough to give it a pilot, but good in that he liked the characters, the comedy and even the title - sorry Dan not yours. Got some very specific notes and so it's rewrite time again.
Wife has just rung me from John Lewis. We're getting a new toilet seat. One witha bar hinge apparently.
Tuesday 26 May 2009
on the stocks
right, well..
Today I found out I have three days to re-write a script I thought I had three weeks to work on.
Which was a bit of a bugger.
But ... thankfully, thanks to some great suggestions from the exec, I did it all tonight. I had to make one part bigger because the head of comedy and the comedy commissioner have a certain person in mind for that role and they want it ... well, bigger. And yesterday.
So i started writing it blind. It's a good way to write. it's the most exciting way to write. But you can only do it if you know your characters.
I certainly know these fookers because I've been writing them for a year.
I love writing blind. You just start off with a pair of characters meeting, or a situation happening and because you know them so well they sort of write it for you. It's a beautiful moment. This is when you know your characters aren't just two-dimensional beings. This is when you find that every aspect of their made-up lives inform every line of dialogue. I know that sounds wanky, but it happens. It takes a lot of time and a lot of crap scripts before you get there but when you get there it is a great feeling.
I have to say that my project has shifted channels and as a result I think the chances of it getting made have been reduced. But I don't care. I honestly don't and that surprises even me.
There are two reasons for this.
1. I know it's a good piece of work, something I'm truly proud of and is a great thing to have on the stocks for the future.
2. read this interview with Simon Beaufoy: http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/insight/simon_beaufoy.shtml
he's been through the mill and offers some sage advice.
Also today - I sent some final sketches over to Scallywagga (bbc3), rewrote a press release for a comms company and went for a meeting about being a writer on a muslim radio soap. I was initially very sceptical about it but... it sounds really, really good. So probably won't get offered it.
oh, and if anyone can think of a good title for a sitcom set in a pub, please post them below. If I use it and it gets made I will pay you whatever the rate is for that sort of thing. promise.
Today I found out I have three days to re-write a script I thought I had three weeks to work on.
Which was a bit of a bugger.
But ... thankfully, thanks to some great suggestions from the exec, I did it all tonight. I had to make one part bigger because the head of comedy and the comedy commissioner have a certain person in mind for that role and they want it ... well, bigger. And yesterday.
So i started writing it blind. It's a good way to write. it's the most exciting way to write. But you can only do it if you know your characters.
I certainly know these fookers because I've been writing them for a year.
I love writing blind. You just start off with a pair of characters meeting, or a situation happening and because you know them so well they sort of write it for you. It's a beautiful moment. This is when you know your characters aren't just two-dimensional beings. This is when you find that every aspect of their made-up lives inform every line of dialogue. I know that sounds wanky, but it happens. It takes a lot of time and a lot of crap scripts before you get there but when you get there it is a great feeling.
I have to say that my project has shifted channels and as a result I think the chances of it getting made have been reduced. But I don't care. I honestly don't and that surprises even me.
There are two reasons for this.
1. I know it's a good piece of work, something I'm truly proud of and is a great thing to have on the stocks for the future.
2. read this interview with Simon Beaufoy: http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/insight/simon_beaufoy.shtml
he's been through the mill and offers some sage advice.
Also today - I sent some final sketches over to Scallywagga (bbc3), rewrote a press release for a comms company and went for a meeting about being a writer on a muslim radio soap. I was initially very sceptical about it but... it sounds really, really good. So probably won't get offered it.
oh, and if anyone can think of a good title for a sitcom set in a pub, please post them below. If I use it and it gets made I will pay you whatever the rate is for that sort of thing. promise.
Wednesday 20 May 2009
Wordle
Sunday 17 May 2009
B*llocks to Alton Towers
I can't remember the last time I finished a book.
I've been reading The Grapes Of Wrath for what has to be over a year and I'm still only on page 103. It sits there next to the bed, sometimes it falls under it or down the side of it, but it's always close by. It never gets read because it always loses the mental toss-up which occurs at bedtime between reading or playing bejewelled on my phone.
I bought it when I was going through a bit of a Steinbeck phase. I read Cannery Row and Mice and Men. They were both great, contained fantastic characters, but most importantly I think... they were really quite short. Grapes of Wrath isn't.
I've dipped into other stuff while it has sat there. I've nearly finished a book about Fawlty Towers, but the writing made me angry; I read about 30% of Derren Brown's Tricks of The Mind, but gave up when it made me feel mentally lazy. I've dipped into a few Pratchetts, some 1940s plays, a book on directing, an Artemis Fowl adventure, some Alan Bennett, some Jeremy Clarkson a bit of Charlie Brooker, something called The Suspicions of Mr Whicher, a couple of comic book compilations, Sun Tzu's The Art of War, Machiavelli's The Prince and the fantastically named - Bollocks to Alton Towers.
I've not finished any of them. Apart from An Uncommon Reader by Alan Bennett which is about 90 pages long.
I don't know why, but I just don't seem able to finish a book these days. The last books I remember truly enjoying were the two Dirk Gently novels by Douglas Adams and The Wrong Boy by Willy Russell. Oh and I really enjoyed a brief journey into the world of Jasper Fford.
Oh... and The Da Vinci Code. I loved the Da Vinci Code.
If anyone can recommend me a good book then please do. Nothing too pretentious or wanky though.
Although if you do have a good book I can't imagine why you'd be reading this.
Away from reading and back to writing... I have ten minutes worth of sketches to write this week. I am planning to try and get all the first drafts done tomorrow and then along with tickling them throughout the week I am going to re-edit my film treatment. In fact I might have a little crack at that now. And then have an early night. Maybe with a book. Maybe I'll crack on with The Grapes of Wrath.
I'll probably play Bejewelled.
I've been reading The Grapes Of Wrath for what has to be over a year and I'm still only on page 103. It sits there next to the bed, sometimes it falls under it or down the side of it, but it's always close by. It never gets read because it always loses the mental toss-up which occurs at bedtime between reading or playing bejewelled on my phone.
I bought it when I was going through a bit of a Steinbeck phase. I read Cannery Row and Mice and Men. They were both great, contained fantastic characters, but most importantly I think... they were really quite short. Grapes of Wrath isn't.
I've dipped into other stuff while it has sat there. I've nearly finished a book about Fawlty Towers, but the writing made me angry; I read about 30% of Derren Brown's Tricks of The Mind, but gave up when it made me feel mentally lazy. I've dipped into a few Pratchetts, some 1940s plays, a book on directing, an Artemis Fowl adventure, some Alan Bennett, some Jeremy Clarkson a bit of Charlie Brooker, something called The Suspicions of Mr Whicher, a couple of comic book compilations, Sun Tzu's The Art of War, Machiavelli's The Prince and the fantastically named - Bollocks to Alton Towers.
I've not finished any of them. Apart from An Uncommon Reader by Alan Bennett which is about 90 pages long.
I don't know why, but I just don't seem able to finish a book these days. The last books I remember truly enjoying were the two Dirk Gently novels by Douglas Adams and The Wrong Boy by Willy Russell. Oh and I really enjoyed a brief journey into the world of Jasper Fford.
Oh... and The Da Vinci Code. I loved the Da Vinci Code.
If anyone can recommend me a good book then please do. Nothing too pretentious or wanky though.
Although if you do have a good book I can't imagine why you'd be reading this.
Away from reading and back to writing... I have ten minutes worth of sketches to write this week. I am planning to try and get all the first drafts done tomorrow and then along with tickling them throughout the week I am going to re-edit my film treatment. In fact I might have a little crack at that now. And then have an early night. Maybe with a book. Maybe I'll crack on with The Grapes of Wrath.
I'll probably play Bejewelled.
Friday 15 May 2009
Monday 11 May 2009
Screaming at strangers
On the suggestion of a friend I've made it so anyone can comment on blog posts. Meaning you don't have to sign up to Blogspot first.
It is three months and one day since I quit smoking. The cravings have abated and I no longer feeel like screaming at strangers. Which is nice.
I have to go now. I have a deadline of tomorrow to get a script finished before I can start on the sketches I should have done last week.
Still got that horrible taste in my mouth.
It is three months and one day since I quit smoking. The cravings have abated and I no longer feeel like screaming at strangers. Which is nice.
I have to go now. I have a deadline of tomorrow to get a script finished before I can start on the sketches I should have done last week.
Still got that horrible taste in my mouth.
Sunday 10 May 2009
what a cock
Oh...
I'm a proper writer now. I've had a panic attack.
I genuinely thought I was going to die.
It happened like this -
It had been a very mellow week, I'd been working hard on a script which goes in for offers soon, and was happy with the way it was going. The garden was looking nice even though I bought an allotment size bundle of lettuces I found places for most of them - one is even planted in an old shoe. Maggie is developing a real personality, I got a new commission for some sketches and things were just generally going nicely.
On wednesday I went to my favourite shop in the world the Unicorn Grocers in Chorlton Cum Hardy and bought some lovely organic veg and the biggest bag of pine kernels I have ever seen. I polished the lot of them off after drinking lots of beer in Leeds where I'd been to a Q&A with Jeremy Dyson, Phil Mealey and Micheal Jacob.
On thursday I'm reading - for research purposes - that a metallic taste in your mouth is sometimes experienced as a precursor to a heart attack or a stroke.
Anyway Friday I'm off to meet a pal in a nice restaurant in Altrincham, his treat, to chat about comedy writing. Not seen each other for a while. I was looking forward to it... until...
A metallic taste appeared in my mouth. It was definitely there. I couldn't do anything to shift it. I tried mouthwash, drinks, citrus fruit. It would not go.
I didn't want to google the problem because that's just bloody well asking for trouble isn't it.
I went to meet my mate and was eating a starter of sardines on toast when it came back. Stronger. I started to feel woozy, putting two and two together and coming up with IMMINENT DEATH. I thought - this is it. The years of boozing and smoking have caught up with me. I made my excuses and left without even touching the main course. I went home and crawled into bed to sleep hoping when I awoke the taste would be gone.
It wasn't. Nor was it on Saturday morning. Or Sunday. It's still there now. It's horrible. But I'm not that bothered by it any more. Not since I found this on wikipedia:
Risks of eating pine nuts:
The eating of pine nuts can cause serious taste disturbances, developing 1-3 days after consumption and lasting for days or weeks. A bitter, metallic taste is described. In general, a minority of pine nuts on the market present this problem. Though very unpleasant, there does not seem to be a real health concern.
(Note - there are hundreds of other much more common reasons why someone might have a metallic taste in thier mouths. I post this information for peoiple who are as paranoid as I am)
I'm a proper writer now. I've had a panic attack.
I genuinely thought I was going to die.
It happened like this -
It had been a very mellow week, I'd been working hard on a script which goes in for offers soon, and was happy with the way it was going. The garden was looking nice even though I bought an allotment size bundle of lettuces I found places for most of them - one is even planted in an old shoe. Maggie is developing a real personality, I got a new commission for some sketches and things were just generally going nicely.
On wednesday I went to my favourite shop in the world the Unicorn Grocers in Chorlton Cum Hardy and bought some lovely organic veg and the biggest bag of pine kernels I have ever seen. I polished the lot of them off after drinking lots of beer in Leeds where I'd been to a Q&A with Jeremy Dyson, Phil Mealey and Micheal Jacob.
On thursday I'm reading - for research purposes - that a metallic taste in your mouth is sometimes experienced as a precursor to a heart attack or a stroke.
Anyway Friday I'm off to meet a pal in a nice restaurant in Altrincham, his treat, to chat about comedy writing. Not seen each other for a while. I was looking forward to it... until...
A metallic taste appeared in my mouth. It was definitely there. I couldn't do anything to shift it. I tried mouthwash, drinks, citrus fruit. It would not go.
I didn't want to google the problem because that's just bloody well asking for trouble isn't it.
I went to meet my mate and was eating a starter of sardines on toast when it came back. Stronger. I started to feel woozy, putting two and two together and coming up with IMMINENT DEATH. I thought - this is it. The years of boozing and smoking have caught up with me. I made my excuses and left without even touching the main course. I went home and crawled into bed to sleep hoping when I awoke the taste would be gone.
It wasn't. Nor was it on Saturday morning. Or Sunday. It's still there now. It's horrible. But I'm not that bothered by it any more. Not since I found this on wikipedia:
Risks of eating pine nuts:
The eating of pine nuts can cause serious taste disturbances, developing 1-3 days after consumption and lasting for days or weeks. A bitter, metallic taste is described. In general, a minority of pine nuts on the market present this problem. Though very unpleasant, there does not seem to be a real health concern.
(Note - there are hundreds of other much more common reasons why someone might have a metallic taste in thier mouths. I post this information for peoiple who are as paranoid as I am)
Monday 27 April 2009
looming
I have the worst hangover I have ever had.
I was given a pill which a friend swears by for getting rid of them, it's something for migraine relief, but all that happened was I took it and then thought maybe I should have read up about it first.
So then I read up about it - after I'd taken it - and the list of potential side effects gave me 'The Fear.'
I have two deadlines looming. I love deadlines. These days it's the only time I ever bother to play my xbox.
I was given a pill which a friend swears by for getting rid of them, it's something for migraine relief, but all that happened was I took it and then thought maybe I should have read up about it first.
So then I read up about it - after I'd taken it - and the list of potential side effects gave me 'The Fear.'
I have two deadlines looming. I love deadlines. These days it's the only time I ever bother to play my xbox.
Sunday 12 April 2009
Goldfish Shoals nibbling at my toes
Just watched the new Red Dwarf three parter on cable channel 'Dave'
In summary:
At the start of ep 2 I thought: Oh this is like the league of gents film...
Which later turned into... actually, now I think about it, the league of gents ripped off Blade Runner.
which resolved as... I love Red Dwarf.... this could run for ever..
IMHO:
I was a bit freaked out by the lack of laughter track at first, but got used to it. Ep 1 felt like classic Red Dwarf, Ep 2 was easily the funniest, but Ep 3 left me wanting more.
In summary: near perfect television.
In summary:
At the start of ep 2 I thought: Oh this is like the league of gents film...
Which later turned into... actually, now I think about it, the league of gents ripped off Blade Runner.
which resolved as... I love Red Dwarf.... this could run for ever..
IMHO:
I was a bit freaked out by the lack of laughter track at first, but got used to it. Ep 1 felt like classic Red Dwarf, Ep 2 was easily the funniest, but Ep 3 left me wanting more.
In summary: near perfect television.
Thursday 9 April 2009
karma store detective
I woke up this morning in a foul mood.
I don't know why.
I got drunk on tuesday, yesterday I was a little hungover and I think maybe today was some sort of hangover from the hangover.
Or... maybe it's the full moon. I wonder. Maybe I should keep a diary of bad moods and then correlate them to the moevment of the... no. Silly idea.
It was about 8am and the little 'un was making her morning sqwaking noises which are incredibly cute, but I couldn't shake it off. So rather than sit at the breakfast table and be a misery I took myself off to the office where I could stew and fester alone.
Bad moods are silly. And this one wasn't even justified in hanging around. Two great things happpened today: one to do with a script and one to do with getting a new phone:
Nice isn't it.
But they were tempered by the news that my hard drive is knackered and I'm going o have to pay £300 to get the data off it.
I don't know why.
I got drunk on tuesday, yesterday I was a little hungover and I think maybe today was some sort of hangover from the hangover.
Or... maybe it's the full moon. I wonder. Maybe I should keep a diary of bad moods and then correlate them to the moevment of the... no. Silly idea.
It was about 8am and the little 'un was making her morning sqwaking noises which are incredibly cute, but I couldn't shake it off. So rather than sit at the breakfast table and be a misery I took myself off to the office where I could stew and fester alone.
Bad moods are silly. And this one wasn't even justified in hanging around. Two great things happpened today: one to do with a script and one to do with getting a new phone:
Nice isn't it.
But they were tempered by the news that my hard drive is knackered and I'm going o have to pay £300 to get the data off it.
Wednesday 8 April 2009
net regret?
I expect that in the next few years a term will be coined which expresses regret for the amount of time people have wasted through moaning and having pointless arguments on the internet.
Grandparents will sit kids on their knee and warn them of the perils of facebook and forums.
"Enjoy your life," they'll say. "Don't waste it like I did writing nonsense to idiots, about things that don't matter."
I wonder what that term will be... net-regret?
No... that's shit.
Grandparents will sit kids on their knee and warn them of the perils of facebook and forums.
"Enjoy your life," they'll say. "Don't waste it like I did writing nonsense to idiots, about things that don't matter."
I wonder what that term will be... net-regret?
No... that's shit.
setting fire to the sky
I went to Redcar.
Bloody hell...
I knew it was going to be a weird one when on the way in I saw them trying to set fire to the sky.
Apparently this was where Ridley Scott got the inspiration for the opening scenes of Blade Runner. It''s easy to believe.
Read about that: HERE
The gig was good. weird, but good. Someone on the front row had seen me on youtube and kept telling his girlfriend what the punchlines were.
Must write some new stuff...
Bloody hell...
I knew it was going to be a weird one when on the way in I saw them trying to set fire to the sky.
Apparently this was where Ridley Scott got the inspiration for the opening scenes of Blade Runner. It''s easy to believe.
Read about that: HERE
The gig was good. weird, but good. Someone on the front row had seen me on youtube and kept telling his girlfriend what the punchlines were.
Must write some new stuff...
Saturday 4 April 2009
the nature of things
Ok, I've calmed down. There was an intense period of high which followed the showcase which has abated now, meaning a normal emotional service of despondency, desperation and hopelessness has been resumed.
Not really, I'm actually quite chipper at the moment. I haven't had a cigarette for eight weeks, I've left facebook and twitter and any day now I'm expecting a script fee through which means we can pay the mortgage for the next few months.
I've sent my film treatment to someone who could actually make it and asked to read it, had a nice meeting with a handful of good indies and there are currently two projects in with the Beeb which I feel good about. As a writer these are the moments you have to cherish. The moments where it seems everything is actually going ok.
Because rest assured a month down the line rejections for the lot will all arrive on the same day. It'll be the day the dog has gone missing, the kitchen ceiling falls in and the car gets towed. Such is the nature of things.
But for the moment I'm enjoying it. I'm finishing a couple of Scallywagga sketches. I think this next series is really going to be something special. I'm really looking forward to seeing the completed scripts. The Cbeebies stuff is all done and dusted and starting filming this month.
I've got three things I need to write now. A radio sitcom pilot, the film script and a re-working of an old script because last night I had an idea to make it much more 'zeitgeist.' Yes, I do realise that speaking about anything like that automatically condemns it to being crap.
Anyway I'd better crack on Gigging at Opus in town tonight and I'm not even bothered.
Not really, I'm actually quite chipper at the moment. I haven't had a cigarette for eight weeks, I've left facebook and twitter and any day now I'm expecting a script fee through which means we can pay the mortgage for the next few months.
I've sent my film treatment to someone who could actually make it and asked to read it, had a nice meeting with a handful of good indies and there are currently two projects in with the Beeb which I feel good about. As a writer these are the moments you have to cherish. The moments where it seems everything is actually going ok.
Because rest assured a month down the line rejections for the lot will all arrive on the same day. It'll be the day the dog has gone missing, the kitchen ceiling falls in and the car gets towed. Such is the nature of things.
But for the moment I'm enjoying it. I'm finishing a couple of Scallywagga sketches. I think this next series is really going to be something special. I'm really looking forward to seeing the completed scripts. The Cbeebies stuff is all done and dusted and starting filming this month.
I've got three things I need to write now. A radio sitcom pilot, the film script and a re-working of an old script because last night I had an idea to make it much more 'zeitgeist.' Yes, I do realise that speaking about anything like that automatically condemns it to being crap.
Anyway I'd better crack on Gigging at Opus in town tonight and I'm not even bothered.
Friday 27 March 2009
Wow... what a week.
After spending what seems like an age down in London I'm finally back home, for a while at least.
On Wednesday I had the pleasure of seeing my script performed by Martin Freeman, Amanda Abington, Simon Day, Joe Tracini, the one and only Una Stubbs, Geraldine McNulty, Stephen Wight, Terence Maynard, Kerry Godliman, Naomi Bentley and John Kirk at the Comedy College showcase, in Studio 8 at TV centre.
I'm still reeling from the night. It was brilliant.
After spending what seems like an age down in London I'm finally back home, for a while at least.
On Wednesday I had the pleasure of seeing my script performed by Martin Freeman, Amanda Abington, Simon Day, Joe Tracini, the one and only Una Stubbs, Geraldine McNulty, Stephen Wight, Terence Maynard, Kerry Godliman, Naomi Bentley and John Kirk at the Comedy College showcase, in Studio 8 at TV centre.
I'm still reeling from the night. It was brilliant.
Thursday 19 March 2009
Can I just say I really don't mind the new layout of Facebook.
Anyway, obviously my blog gets loads updated when i'm stuck in a hotel with nothing other than vodka and cable TV for company.
Just been reading through the sparse comments on my posts - it's good to know that some people other than my five subscribers (who I adooore daahling) actually read this - and one was an old colleague from my tabloid journalism days. I say colleague, his name is Robin (hello mate) and we worked for rival agencies in Manchester/. It was always a race as to who was first to a story.
I say 'first to the story' what that translates to is usually first to a Broughton council house where someone has been murdered/kidnapped/attacked etc.
God it was a horrible job. I'm glad I gave up on the tabloids. I was no good at it anyway.
I worked for Cavendish Press, an outfit who operated from an office near the Hacienda run by a red-faced man called Brian Whittle who a few years ago dropped dead in the bar of the Crown and Kettle in Ancoats. His 2IC was called Jon. He wore permastubble and was quite funny when he wasn't being a cock.
Robin worked for News Team, an operation who had office in the Manchester Evening News building and were run by a fat polish scouser called Jo. who is still alive I think.
I had one great moment of victory over them in about 1998. It was very shortlived though.
It was on a story about a family whose fat daughter was being taken away by social services because they over fed her, and - Robin had left by this time for a life of smuggling people inside hollowed out Donkeys in South America - I was up against their chief reporter, Dave... something. Anyway the long and short of it is that I locked him out of the house and got them signed up on an exclusive contract while he tapped on the window saying 'let me in'.
I was so chuffed. Really a little bit proud of myself. So proud that as I drove through Ancoats on the way home that night I didn't notice the car in front had stopped.
I went right into the back of it.
It happened right outside a pub The Burton Arms, in fact it happened just about
HERE
Who should be the first people out of the pub to witness the accident... the whole of News Team who then helped push my car to the side of the road, somehow proving they were the real winners.
Anyway, obviously my blog gets loads updated when i'm stuck in a hotel with nothing other than vodka and cable TV for company.
Just been reading through the sparse comments on my posts - it's good to know that some people other than my five subscribers (who I adooore daahling) actually read this - and one was an old colleague from my tabloid journalism days. I say colleague, his name is Robin (hello mate) and we worked for rival agencies in Manchester/. It was always a race as to who was first to a story.
I say 'first to the story' what that translates to is usually first to a Broughton council house where someone has been murdered/kidnapped/attacked etc.
God it was a horrible job. I'm glad I gave up on the tabloids. I was no good at it anyway.
I worked for Cavendish Press, an outfit who operated from an office near the Hacienda run by a red-faced man called Brian Whittle who a few years ago dropped dead in the bar of the Crown and Kettle in Ancoats. His 2IC was called Jon. He wore permastubble and was quite funny when he wasn't being a cock.
Robin worked for News Team, an operation who had office in the Manchester Evening News building and were run by a fat polish scouser called Jo. who is still alive I think.
I had one great moment of victory over them in about 1998. It was very shortlived though.
It was on a story about a family whose fat daughter was being taken away by social services because they over fed her, and - Robin had left by this time for a life of smuggling people inside hollowed out Donkeys in South America - I was up against their chief reporter, Dave... something. Anyway the long and short of it is that I locked him out of the house and got them signed up on an exclusive contract while he tapped on the window saying 'let me in'.
I was so chuffed. Really a little bit proud of myself. So proud that as I drove through Ancoats on the way home that night I didn't notice the car in front had stopped.
I went right into the back of it.
It happened right outside a pub The Burton Arms, in fact it happened just about
HERE
Who should be the first people out of the pub to witness the accident... the whole of News Team who then helped push my car to the side of the road, somehow proving they were the real winners.
Zen Algebra
in the north we're brought up to think Londoners are rude. Well I've got news, they're not. In fact they are very friendly. the reason they appear rude is because in London no-one speaks to anyone. And there's a good reason for that: It's due to the disproportionate number of nutters who seem to live here.
Waiting for the lift from Lancaster Gate Tube yesterday, the man behind me was holding a box and talking very loudly about how he didn't care where anyone else was from, but that he was better than all of us. I checked he wasn't talking on a bluetooth - i don't know if that would have made it worse or better - and then discretely wondered off to take the stairs.
I felt bad while I walked up the stairs, not because I'm overweight and under-fit - well there was that as well, but because i'd reacted like that towards a person with mental health problems. Maybe he was talking to the voices in his head, keeping them under control. I thought for a moment I should find him and talk to him to make up for my rudeness. But I didn't. Because... well that would be silly. What would I say to him? Hello I just ran off because I thought you were a scary mental, but I realise the error of my ways, my name's John how do you do.
That's not going to help either of us is it.
Anyway I bet he doesn't pick stuff out of bins. I did.
I was on my way to meet Ben at Tiger Aspect when I noticed a load of rubbish outside a house in Bayswater, and there popping out of the top of a box was a Global Knifeblcok. I know it was a global knifeblock because I paid £100 for one a couple of years ago.
I checked it was definitely rubbish and then - yoink - off we went, the Global Knifeblock and me. Now I was cutting it too fine to go bakc to the hotel and dump it there, so I popped int a shop and paid 20p for a plastic bag and took it with me to Soho Square. But I couldn't take it in with me. Conversation would have gottens around to it somehow and I wanted to avoid the subject of rummaging through bins. There's o good way to explain it. Even if it's a profitable enterprise like the Global Knifeblock - going straight on ebay when I get home - it still doesn't excuse the fact that you're a dirty bin-dipper.
So I paid a homeless gentleman £2 to mind it for me while I went into the offices. He was a bit mad as well so somehow I feel I've redeemed myself. Not sure how, it involves some complicated Zen algebra, but I'm definitely up on the deal.
Waiting for the lift from Lancaster Gate Tube yesterday, the man behind me was holding a box and talking very loudly about how he didn't care where anyone else was from, but that he was better than all of us. I checked he wasn't talking on a bluetooth - i don't know if that would have made it worse or better - and then discretely wondered off to take the stairs.
I felt bad while I walked up the stairs, not because I'm overweight and under-fit - well there was that as well, but because i'd reacted like that towards a person with mental health problems. Maybe he was talking to the voices in his head, keeping them under control. I thought for a moment I should find him and talk to him to make up for my rudeness. But I didn't. Because... well that would be silly. What would I say to him? Hello I just ran off because I thought you were a scary mental, but I realise the error of my ways, my name's John how do you do.
That's not going to help either of us is it.
Anyway I bet he doesn't pick stuff out of bins. I did.
I was on my way to meet Ben at Tiger Aspect when I noticed a load of rubbish outside a house in Bayswater, and there popping out of the top of a box was a Global Knifeblcok. I know it was a global knifeblock because I paid £100 for one a couple of years ago.
I checked it was definitely rubbish and then - yoink - off we went, the Global Knifeblock and me. Now I was cutting it too fine to go bakc to the hotel and dump it there, so I popped int a shop and paid 20p for a plastic bag and took it with me to Soho Square. But I couldn't take it in with me. Conversation would have gottens around to it somehow and I wanted to avoid the subject of rummaging through bins. There's o good way to explain it. Even if it's a profitable enterprise like the Global Knifeblock - going straight on ebay when I get home - it still doesn't excuse the fact that you're a dirty bin-dipper.
So I paid a homeless gentleman £2 to mind it for me while I went into the offices. He was a bit mad as well so somehow I feel I've redeemed myself. Not sure how, it involves some complicated Zen algebra, but I'm definitely up on the deal.
Wednesday 18 March 2009
shop local... my arse
I'm in London... again.
Been down at the Two Pints rehearsals this week - very funny episode written by Coming of Age's Tim Dawson. Didn't make today's tech rehearsal though because someone farted on the Circle Line and they had to close it down until emergency services were able to determine just who exactly it was that let Polly out of prison
Today is Wednesday March 18. A bad day for meeting anyone from the telly business as they are all too busy throwing up free booze and canapes from either:
1. Armando Ianucci's premiere of In The Loop
2. the corden and horne premiere of lesbian vampire ... ooooh!
3. the RTS awards.
I was invited to none of them.
I did however, go to see a show on Monday written by Alex Horne at the Soho theatre which had Mark Benton, James Pearce and the fat girl from Titty Bang Bang in it. It was alright. quite funny but I spilt a pint on my trousers halfway through which took the edge off, if you know what I mean.
Second show that night - it was a new comedy writing thingie - was a mad Irishwoman... hold on I've got the thing here somehwere.... Teresa Jennings that was her name. What's the best I can say?... I've never been to Edingurgh Festival, but I imagine that's what a lot of it is like.
Best bit was when Michael Legge came in late and got dragged onto the stage so she could humiliate him. Needless to say he sort of stole the show.
Teresa if you google and read this, the acting was good. just get a writer. And don't script banter with the audience., it's just wrong.
what else???
last time I was down here, staying in the same hotel - the Park Inn, Lancaster Gate - the people in the room next to me kept having noisy sex. this time I am in that room. I don't know how to feel about it. it's a bit like turning up to a party after everyone has gone and sitting drinking on your own knowing that all the fun has already happened.
The toilet seat doesn't stay up and either tries to remove my penis or pats me on the back. neither of which are good. And the local bandits, sorry I mean shops, tried to charge me £2.33 for TWO oranges. Shop local my arse I'm off to Tesco Metro you robbing shits.
writing wise I have sent my screenplay treatment to a few places, next wednesday is the showcase for all the comedy college scripts, I've spent all day rewriting sketches for CBeebies. tomorrow I shall be writing more stuff for Scallywagga and putting together an idea I came up with during coffee this morning. it's ace. or it could be really shit. Must get in touch with David. I've found a slot for one of our ideas.
I haven't had a single pie since I've been down here. Found a top Thai place on Queensway, Bayswater
Been down at the Two Pints rehearsals this week - very funny episode written by Coming of Age's Tim Dawson. Didn't make today's tech rehearsal though because someone farted on the Circle Line and they had to close it down until emergency services were able to determine just who exactly it was that let Polly out of prison
Today is Wednesday March 18. A bad day for meeting anyone from the telly business as they are all too busy throwing up free booze and canapes from either:
1. Armando Ianucci's premiere of In The Loop
2. the corden and horne premiere of lesbian vampire ... ooooh!
3. the RTS awards.
I was invited to none of them.
I did however, go to see a show on Monday written by Alex Horne at the Soho theatre which had Mark Benton, James Pearce and the fat girl from Titty Bang Bang in it. It was alright. quite funny but I spilt a pint on my trousers halfway through which took the edge off, if you know what I mean.
Second show that night - it was a new comedy writing thingie - was a mad Irishwoman... hold on I've got the thing here somehwere.... Teresa Jennings that was her name. What's the best I can say?... I've never been to Edingurgh Festival, but I imagine that's what a lot of it is like.
Best bit was when Michael Legge came in late and got dragged onto the stage so she could humiliate him. Needless to say he sort of stole the show.
Teresa if you google and read this, the acting was good. just get a writer. And don't script banter with the audience., it's just wrong.
what else???
last time I was down here, staying in the same hotel - the Park Inn, Lancaster Gate - the people in the room next to me kept having noisy sex. this time I am in that room. I don't know how to feel about it. it's a bit like turning up to a party after everyone has gone and sitting drinking on your own knowing that all the fun has already happened.
The toilet seat doesn't stay up and either tries to remove my penis or pats me on the back. neither of which are good. And the local bandits, sorry I mean shops, tried to charge me £2.33 for TWO oranges. Shop local my arse I'm off to Tesco Metro you robbing shits.
writing wise I have sent my screenplay treatment to a few places, next wednesday is the showcase for all the comedy college scripts, I've spent all day rewriting sketches for CBeebies. tomorrow I shall be writing more stuff for Scallywagga and putting together an idea I came up with during coffee this morning. it's ace. or it could be really shit. Must get in touch with David. I've found a slot for one of our ideas.
I haven't had a single pie since I've been down here. Found a top Thai place on Queensway, Bayswater
Wednesday 25 February 2009
Really
I'm writing some sketches for a CBeebies show and one of them is about an ice cream man. So... ever diligent go to You Tube for a bit of research where I find this:
I really must watch Life on Mars again.
I really must watch Life on Mars again.
Tuesday 24 February 2009
I had food poisoning at the weekend. I was up in Edinburgh performing at Jongleurs and on the Friday night I came off stage went straight into the dressing room toilets and ... it wasn't nice.
I can't decide where I got it from. there are two options:
1. a bacon and egg barm I had from a butty van at the entrance to Sale Water Park
2. a Ginsters beef wrap I bought from a service station on the M6 for the reasonable fee of £3.69
It was a night of pure hell. Hotel rooms are horrible places to be on your own especially when you're ill. I was convinced I was going to die and it's not how I imagined my demise at all. I don't want to die in a hotel room, or at least not in one where there's no drugs, whores or donkeys.
Writing wise... I've been commissioned for ten minutes of material for a new CBeebies sketch show. It's aimed at their older viewers the erudite 2 to 4 year olds, I've sent my last draft of my comedy college script and I've come up with a sci-fi idea which I'm going to write for radio. Apparently they don't like sci-fi. Oh well. It's a bloody good idea it's got to be done.
I was asked to send some ideas over for My Family which I did and have heard nothing back on. So that's nice. There's a new BBC7 topical sketch show kicking off soon who are asking for submissions. I might try and come up with something for that today but I find topical stuff really boring. Probably because I'm not that good at it.
Still heard nothing from the UK Film Council re the funding application for This Beautiful Morning.
So all in all nothing much to write about really. But Google Mail is down at the moment and I have to do something to stop me working. Hence the update.
Maggie has a new noise. It goes 'brah'
Written down it doesn't look like much but it was a revelation to us.
Note to self: go out more.
I can't decide where I got it from. there are two options:
1. a bacon and egg barm I had from a butty van at the entrance to Sale Water Park
2. a Ginsters beef wrap I bought from a service station on the M6 for the reasonable fee of £3.69
It was a night of pure hell. Hotel rooms are horrible places to be on your own especially when you're ill. I was convinced I was going to die and it's not how I imagined my demise at all. I don't want to die in a hotel room, or at least not in one where there's no drugs, whores or donkeys.
Writing wise... I've been commissioned for ten minutes of material for a new CBeebies sketch show. It's aimed at their older viewers the erudite 2 to 4 year olds, I've sent my last draft of my comedy college script and I've come up with a sci-fi idea which I'm going to write for radio. Apparently they don't like sci-fi. Oh well. It's a bloody good idea it's got to be done.
I was asked to send some ideas over for My Family which I did and have heard nothing back on. So that's nice. There's a new BBC7 topical sketch show kicking off soon who are asking for submissions. I might try and come up with something for that today but I find topical stuff really boring. Probably because I'm not that good at it.
Still heard nothing from the UK Film Council re the funding application for This Beautiful Morning.
So all in all nothing much to write about really. But Google Mail is down at the moment and I have to do something to stop me working. Hence the update.
Maggie has a new noise. It goes 'brah'
Written down it doesn't look like much but it was a revelation to us.
Note to self: go out more.
Thursday 5 February 2009
No More Pies...
Seriously... I've OP'd.
Since I got here I've had a beef and ale pie, a game pie and today a chicken, ham and leek. I am pastry hear me barf.
tomorrow it's fruit for breakfast,
Today is the day I officially gave up smoking. It's going really well. No it is, it's fine. Seriously I'm okay.
look will you just bloody leave it I'm fine alright.
Now... what can I hit.
Since I got here I've had a beef and ale pie, a game pie and today a chicken, ham and leek. I am pastry hear me barf.
tomorrow it's fruit for breakfast,
Today is the day I officially gave up smoking. It's going really well. No it is, it's fine. Seriously I'm okay.
look will you just bloody leave it I'm fine alright.
Now... what can I hit.
off for a pie
London has got a lot of steps, my legs are killing me.
There's so much going on here, it's ridiculous. Last night I popped into a pub and as well as a pint the barman tried to sell me a ticket to a play going on downstairs. "You're probably not into that sort of thing are you," he asked. "Yeah, I am," I replied. "Who's your favourite playwrite?" he asked. Quick as a flash I answered: "Shakespeare." He didn't look convinced. He nodded, smiled, tipped himself from my change and said: "Who's your favourite Hamlet?"
I looked him square in the eye: "Can i have a bag of crisps please?"
Went to see the Adam and Pippa show which was excellent. Last night went to see the Pros from Dover which wasn't really my cup of tea. Tonight I'm having a night in the hotel and watching the Masterchef double-bill. Though I might pop out for a speciality pie from The Leinster.
The Cbeebies meeting went well. They had biscuits. I'll be finding out next week how much stuff they want to commission.
Dinner with Micheal Jacob last night which is always good fun. He wants the scripts for the comedy college showcase in next week so I'm going to spend the next two days solidly writing, because we're I'm not back in on Two pints until Sunday when they're recording. Pat Monahan is doing the audience warm-up. Probably going to be a late one then...
right, off for a pie.
There's so much going on here, it's ridiculous. Last night I popped into a pub and as well as a pint the barman tried to sell me a ticket to a play going on downstairs. "You're probably not into that sort of thing are you," he asked. "Yeah, I am," I replied. "Who's your favourite playwrite?" he asked. Quick as a flash I answered: "Shakespeare." He didn't look convinced. He nodded, smiled, tipped himself from my change and said: "Who's your favourite Hamlet?"
I looked him square in the eye: "Can i have a bag of crisps please?"
Went to see the Adam and Pippa show which was excellent. Last night went to see the Pros from Dover which wasn't really my cup of tea. Tonight I'm having a night in the hotel and watching the Masterchef double-bill. Though I might pop out for a speciality pie from The Leinster.
The Cbeebies meeting went well. They had biscuits. I'll be finding out next week how much stuff they want to commission.
Dinner with Micheal Jacob last night which is always good fun. He wants the scripts for the comedy college showcase in next week so I'm going to spend the next two days solidly writing, because we're I'm not back in on Two pints until Sunday when they're recording. Pat Monahan is doing the audience warm-up. Probably going to be a late one then...
right, off for a pie.
Tuesday 3 February 2009
flashing lights
Well I braved the wall of ice which seems to have engulfed Britain this week and made it down to fancy London, where, inbetween pointing at aeroplanes and trying to fish the moon from a puddle with a stick I'm doing a week on Two Pints of Lager and a Packet o Crisps Please, the BBC3 sitcom now in it's eighth series.
Got to the hotel last night and despite my cheerful greeting and tidy appearance was still given the smallest room they had. I think they actually chopped a bit of the bed off so they could fit it in. It was so dingy all that was missing was a spinning wheel. I say missing, they probably just couldn't fit it in. Forget swinging a cat, you couldn't even... anyway I went downstairs and had a quite word - told them I was a journalist and had stayed on an Afghan sheep farm with better rooms - and they eventually moved me to a much nicer room without any heating - spiteful bastards.
I moaned at Breakfast and they promised to fix it. Someone has clearly been and done something while I've been out because there's a light and a spanner icon flashing on the control panel now where there wasn't before. Still not 'technically' working though.
I went to the read-through this morning for ep 1. Not sure what I'm allowed to say about it, so best say nothing. Other than it's a great start for the series.
What I will say is that I've found a smart pub around the corner from the hotel, The Leinster. which does real ales and speciality pies. Had a Timothy Taylor beef pie last night. Tonight... who knows.
Tomorrow I'm off to Broadcasting House to meet a producer about writing sketches for a kids show. The plan is to meet the talent and thrash out ideas for new characters. I'll be honest I haven't got a clue how it's going to work. I find the best thing to do in these situations is go along and be quiet until someone asks me something and then I'll usually say something which makes me sound like a dick.
Sketch show tonight. The Adam and Pippa Show, at the Lowdown at The Albany. far too many 'at the's' there for my liking but am sure it will be joyful.
Now... I'm going to call reception about those flashing lights.
Got to the hotel last night and despite my cheerful greeting and tidy appearance was still given the smallest room they had. I think they actually chopped a bit of the bed off so they could fit it in. It was so dingy all that was missing was a spinning wheel. I say missing, they probably just couldn't fit it in. Forget swinging a cat, you couldn't even... anyway I went downstairs and had a quite word - told them I was a journalist and had stayed on an Afghan sheep farm with better rooms - and they eventually moved me to a much nicer room without any heating - spiteful bastards.
I moaned at Breakfast and they promised to fix it. Someone has clearly been and done something while I've been out because there's a light and a spanner icon flashing on the control panel now where there wasn't before. Still not 'technically' working though.
I went to the read-through this morning for ep 1. Not sure what I'm allowed to say about it, so best say nothing. Other than it's a great start for the series.
What I will say is that I've found a smart pub around the corner from the hotel, The Leinster. which does real ales and speciality pies. Had a Timothy Taylor beef pie last night. Tonight... who knows.
Tomorrow I'm off to Broadcasting House to meet a producer about writing sketches for a kids show. The plan is to meet the talent and thrash out ideas for new characters. I'll be honest I haven't got a clue how it's going to work. I find the best thing to do in these situations is go along and be quiet until someone asks me something and then I'll usually say something which makes me sound like a dick.
Sketch show tonight. The Adam and Pippa Show, at the Lowdown at The Albany. far too many 'at the's' there for my liking but am sure it will be joyful.
Now... I'm going to call reception about those flashing lights.
Monday 26 January 2009
What songs make you cry?
What songs make you cry?
For me it's always Two Little Boys, the rousing refrain at the end where they sing:
"Did you say Jack you're all a-tremble
Perhaps it's the battles' noise.
Or it could be that I remember, when we were two little boys."
I am a bit of a wuss though. I cry watching Mrs Doubtfire, for god's sake.
Sarah's brother, Mark, cries whenever he hears Halfway Up The Stairs, by Kermits nephew Robin. I don't know why maybe he killed a frog as a child.
Jason Cook has just messaged me on Facebook - he's up early to talk about swearing on Toby Fosters's show on BBC Sheffield - for him it's Bridge Over Troubled Waters. Not sure which version. Probably NOT this one though:
Why... why would anyone film that?
And while we're on the subject of why would anyone film that... I'll leave you with this. Thanks again to JC for this. It really cheered up my day, for all the wrong reasons.
For me it's always Two Little Boys, the rousing refrain at the end where they sing:
"Did you say Jack you're all a-tremble
Perhaps it's the battles' noise.
Or it could be that I remember, when we were two little boys."
I am a bit of a wuss though. I cry watching Mrs Doubtfire, for god's sake.
Sarah's brother, Mark, cries whenever he hears Halfway Up The Stairs, by Kermits nephew Robin. I don't know why maybe he killed a frog as a child.
Jason Cook has just messaged me on Facebook - he's up early to talk about swearing on Toby Fosters's show on BBC Sheffield - for him it's Bridge Over Troubled Waters. Not sure which version. Probably NOT this one though:
Why... why would anyone film that?
And while we're on the subject of why would anyone film that... I'll leave you with this. Thanks again to JC for this. It really cheered up my day, for all the wrong reasons.
Play Doh Fun Factory
Ahhhh, Monday morning.
I'm sitting in the office at 7.30am, looking out across the lawn. The sun is rising behind St Paul's church and bringing an warming amber glow to a cold morning. A squirrel scurries along the thumb of the five-fingered Ash and a robin is wrestling with a crust on the bird table.
And slap bang in the middle of the garden, a freshly laid dog turd is curling steam into the crisp early air. It seems quite symbolic.
A theme is developing in my life at the moment and that theme is this: poo.
Baby poo to be more specific. It's bloody everywhere.
Poor little Maggie has just started on solids and... I'll spare you the details but last night she did one in the bath. This morning I awoke to find Sarah 'helping' her by rotating her legs while Maggie...
it was like a Play Doh Fun Factory, but without the fun.
Poor thing.
I sat and watched and thought - should I be filming this?
I'm sitting in the office at 7.30am, looking out across the lawn. The sun is rising behind St Paul's church and bringing an warming amber glow to a cold morning. A squirrel scurries along the thumb of the five-fingered Ash and a robin is wrestling with a crust on the bird table.
And slap bang in the middle of the garden, a freshly laid dog turd is curling steam into the crisp early air. It seems quite symbolic.
A theme is developing in my life at the moment and that theme is this: poo.
Baby poo to be more specific. It's bloody everywhere.
Poor little Maggie has just started on solids and... I'll spare you the details but last night she did one in the bath. This morning I awoke to find Sarah 'helping' her by rotating her legs while Maggie...
it was like a Play Doh Fun Factory, but without the fun.
Poor thing.
I sat and watched and thought - should I be filming this?
Monday 19 January 2009
deadlines
Aaargh... how do they do it. How do deadlines manage to creep up like this. They're like buses. There's none for ages and now there's two at once.
Douglas Adams once said - I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
But he was Douglas Adams so he could say that.
I'm just sat here contemplating tidying the office and putting all my DVDs in the order of birth date of the director.
No... must get on. After a quick update...
This weekend I was at Nottingham Jongleurs. Had two gorgeous gigs and on the Friday saw someone wee on a scally. Honestly. Not in the club it was the Waterfront Bar which is close to Jongleurs, you can see it when stood outside having a fag. Anyway there was a private party on the first floor and they have a big balcony when three hoody little muppets walk underneath and someone urinates on them.
Fair enough if you ask me. Off they go and get their mates and a battle ensued - which I missed - in which they took on 30 blokes apparently.
I also met two comics I haven't worked with before - Ian Coppinger, a thoroughly lovely Irishman who stayed and got drunk with me on the Frtiday, and Rob Collins who stayed but doesn't drink. He's a lovely man as well.
On Saturday I went for a Chinese Buffet sat the May Sum just around the corner from the hotel. I had:
1. hot and sour soup
2. 4x pancakes with shredded duck, hoi sin etc
3. 2x Satay skewers and 3x ribs
4. 2x Sui Mai 3x mini spring rolls
5. noodles and a selection of main courses.
and two bottles of sparkling mineral water... all for £9.40. Brilliant.
Rob and Ian went to the more chavvy £5 buffet next door called Big Wok where everyone sang Happy Birthday to a girl whose boyfriend had taken her there for a treat. Bless.
Errrr... that's it.
Filming a small part in Coronation Street on Wednesday -I have four lines - and tomorrow meeting a producer about making a short film.
I really should get on now.
Douglas Adams once said - I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
But he was Douglas Adams so he could say that.
I'm just sat here contemplating tidying the office and putting all my DVDs in the order of birth date of the director.
No... must get on. After a quick update...
This weekend I was at Nottingham Jongleurs. Had two gorgeous gigs and on the Friday saw someone wee on a scally. Honestly. Not in the club it was the Waterfront Bar which is close to Jongleurs, you can see it when stood outside having a fag. Anyway there was a private party on the first floor and they have a big balcony when three hoody little muppets walk underneath and someone urinates on them.
Fair enough if you ask me. Off they go and get their mates and a battle ensued - which I missed - in which they took on 30 blokes apparently.
I also met two comics I haven't worked with before - Ian Coppinger, a thoroughly lovely Irishman who stayed and got drunk with me on the Frtiday, and Rob Collins who stayed but doesn't drink. He's a lovely man as well.
On Saturday I went for a Chinese Buffet sat the May Sum just around the corner from the hotel. I had:
1. hot and sour soup
2. 4x pancakes with shredded duck, hoi sin etc
3. 2x Satay skewers and 3x ribs
4. 2x Sui Mai 3x mini spring rolls
5. noodles and a selection of main courses.
and two bottles of sparkling mineral water... all for £9.40. Brilliant.
Rob and Ian went to the more chavvy £5 buffet next door called Big Wok where everyone sang Happy Birthday to a girl whose boyfriend had taken her there for a treat. Bless.
Errrr... that's it.
Filming a small part in Coronation Street on Wednesday -I have four lines - and tomorrow meeting a producer about making a short film.
I really should get on now.
Saturday 3 January 2009
swollen kangaroo
There's a little game I play, every time I find myself in a bad mood. Which is more and more these days. In fact I'm quite astounded at the sort of things which can set me off. I can't park in a supermarket anymore without fuming at the inconsiderate idiots I'm forced to share a car park with, there's very little TV I can watch without feeling I'm being treated like an idiot. Shows which are essentially dull as dishwater - David Dickinson's Real Deal and Jimmy's Farm spring to mind - try to use creative editing to build tension where there really isn't any and never will be.
And the pauses... why has every show on TV started ... using... dramatic................................................................. pauses.
I despise those big drawn out silences usually punctuated by some sort of heart-beat as if a were a life and death decision when all it really is, is usually the announcement of which luckless warbler is going on to annoy us for one less week than the others, or which lucky Johnny has been chosen to prove they're just like you and me by eating swollen kangaroo testicle live on TV.
I might start keeping a log of things which annoy me. It might help me understand it.
Anyway, here's a hint for you if you ever find yourself in a bad mood. What I do, when I'm in a bad mood is I find someone who is in a good mood... and annoy them.
And the pauses... why has every show on TV started ... using... dramatic................................................................. pauses.
I despise those big drawn out silences usually punctuated by some sort of heart-beat as if a were a life and death decision when all it really is, is usually the announcement of which luckless warbler is going on to annoy us for one less week than the others, or which lucky Johnny has been chosen to prove they're just like you and me by eating swollen kangaroo testicle live on TV.
I might start keeping a log of things which annoy me. It might help me understand it.
Anyway, here's a hint for you if you ever find yourself in a bad mood. What I do, when I'm in a bad mood is I find someone who is in a good mood... and annoy them.
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