listy

busy, busy, busy... and not doing anything that exciting really.

I spent three days last week doing a brochure for a bank... yes, a bank. A bloody bank. That's not comedy writing. That's... that's... the thin end of the wedge that's what that is.

Anyway, it's something that needs to be done to pay the bills. And I'm grateful of it at the moment. Of course I'd much prefer to be writing eight episodes and a Christmas special of an original comedy... but at the moment I have a new baby and a wife whose former boss won't pay her maternity because he's decided to wind the company up and now we're having to sue him. All nonsense I could do without.

I've also been pitching stories to the Sunday Sport. Which was kid of the purpose of this post really.

Every Monday I come up with a list of stories - fantastical ridiculous stories - and email them over to the editor Nick Appleyard, who then might commission a few of them.

It's fun to do and certiainly a lot more fulfilling than writing about fiscal philanthropy or whatever it was I was doing.

I'm going to start posting the lists I sent over on here. See if you can guess which ones got commissioned and which ones didn't.

This is the first list I sent over when I first started about four weeks ago:

I'm not going to edit them to try and make myself seem funnier. This is how they went over:

puberty to be put back three years says Europe memo.

taliban the musical to launch on broadway... songs include "I Tora Bora puddycat"

ninja sues islam over burka headgear

Is John McCain, Highlander??? - has the US presidential hopeful been around since the dawn of time? photo casebook shows someone who looks suspiciously like him on bayoux tapestry, as a witchfinder, on deck of titanic etc...

BMW drivers really are idiots, say boffins.

teachers no longer allowed to teach 'English' as government deem it racist, claims leaked memo

Panda baiting - toffs banned from hunting foxes spend hundreds of thousands on sick new pastime buying endangered animals and pitching them into battle..

Hookers to adopt 'toll charge' model. Punters will be charged more depending on the time of day and how far they want to go.

Paedophile called Jeremy Kyle gets abusive letters from people thinking he's the chat show host.