what a cock

Oh...

I'm a proper writer now. I've had a panic attack.

I genuinely thought I was going to die.

It happened like this -

It had been a very mellow week, I'd been working hard on a script which goes in for offers soon, and was happy with the way it was going. The garden was looking nice even though I bought an allotment size bundle of lettuces I found places for most of them - one is even planted in an old shoe. Maggie is developing a real personality, I got a new commission for some sketches and things were just generally going nicely.

On wednesday I went to my favourite shop in the world the Unicorn Grocers in Chorlton Cum Hardy and bought some lovely organic veg and the biggest bag of pine kernels I have ever seen. I polished the lot of them off after drinking lots of beer in Leeds where I'd been to a Q&A with Jeremy Dyson, Phil Mealey and Micheal Jacob.

On thursday I'm reading - for research purposes - that a metallic taste in your mouth is sometimes experienced as a precursor to a heart attack or a stroke.

Anyway Friday I'm off to meet a pal in a nice restaurant in Altrincham, his treat, to chat about comedy writing. Not seen each other for a while. I was looking forward to it... until...

A metallic taste appeared in my mouth. It was definitely there. I couldn't do anything to shift it. I tried mouthwash, drinks, citrus fruit. It would not go.

I didn't want to google the problem because that's just bloody well asking for trouble isn't it.

I went to meet my mate and was eating a starter of sardines on toast when it came back. Stronger. I started to feel woozy, putting two and two together and coming up with IMMINENT DEATH. I thought - this is it. The years of boozing and smoking have caught up with me. I made my excuses and left without even touching the main course. I went home and crawled into bed to sleep hoping when I awoke the taste would be gone.

It wasn't. Nor was it on Saturday morning. Or Sunday. It's still there now. It's horrible. But I'm not that bothered by it any more. Not since I found this on wikipedia:

Risks of eating pine nuts:
The eating of pine nuts can cause serious taste disturbances, developing 1-3 days after consumption and lasting for days or weeks. A bitter, metallic taste is described. In general, a minority of pine nuts on the market present this problem. Though very unpleasant, there does not seem to be a real health concern.

(Note - there are hundreds of other much more common reasons why someone might have a metallic taste in thier mouths. I post this information for peoiple who are as paranoid as I am)

looming

I have the worst hangover I have ever had.

I was given a pill which a friend swears by for getting rid of them, it's something for migraine relief, but all that happened was I took it and then thought maybe I should have read up about it first.

So then I read up about it - after I'd taken it - and the list of potential side effects gave me 'The Fear.'

I have two deadlines looming. I love deadlines. These days it's the only time I ever bother to play my xbox.

Goldfish Shoals nibbling at my toes

Just watched the new Red Dwarf three parter on cable channel 'Dave'

In summary:

At the start of ep 2 I thought: Oh this is like the league of gents film...

Which later turned into... actually, now I think about it, the league of gents ripped off Blade Runner.

which resolved as... I love Red Dwarf.... this could run for ever..

IMHO:

I was a bit freaked out by the lack of laughter track at first, but got used to it. Ep 1 felt like classic Red Dwarf, Ep 2 was easily the funniest, but Ep 3 left me wanting more.

In summary: near perfect television.

karma store detective

I woke up this morning in a foul mood.

I don't know why.

I got drunk on tuesday, yesterday I was a little hungover and I think maybe today was some sort of hangover from the hangover.

Or... maybe it's the full moon. I wonder. Maybe I should keep a diary of bad moods and then correlate them to the moevment of the... no. Silly idea.

It was about 8am and the little 'un was making her morning sqwaking noises which are incredibly cute, but I couldn't shake it off. So rather than sit at the breakfast table and be a misery I took myself off to the office where I could stew and fester alone.

Bad moods are silly. And this one wasn't even justified in hanging around. Two great things happpened today: one to do with a script and one to do with getting a new phone:


Nice isn't it.

But they were tempered by the news that my hard drive is knackered and I'm going o have to pay £300 to get the data off it.

net regret?

I expect that in the next few years a term will be coined which expresses regret for the amount of time people have wasted through moaning and having pointless arguments on the internet.

Grandparents will sit kids on their knee and warn them of the perils of facebook and forums.

"Enjoy your life," they'll say. "Don't waste it like I did writing nonsense to idiots, about things that don't matter."

I wonder what that term will be... net-regret?

No... that's shit.

setting fire to the sky

I went to Redcar.

Bloody hell...

I knew it was going to be a weird one when on the way in I saw them trying to set fire to the sky.



Apparently this was where Ridley Scott got the inspiration for the opening scenes of Blade Runner. It''s easy to believe.

Read about that: HERE

The gig was good. weird, but good. Someone on the front row had seen me on youtube and kept telling his girlfriend what the punchlines were.

Must write some new stuff...

the nature of things

Ok, I've calmed down. There was an intense period of high which followed the showcase which has abated now, meaning a normal emotional service of despondency, desperation and hopelessness has been resumed.

Not really, I'm actually quite chipper at the moment. I haven't had a cigarette for eight weeks, I've left facebook and twitter and any day now I'm expecting a script fee through which means we can pay the mortgage for the next few months.

I've sent my film treatment to someone who could actually make it and asked to read it, had a nice meeting with a handful of good indies and there are currently two projects in with the Beeb which I feel good about. As a writer these are the moments you have to cherish. The moments where it seems everything is actually going ok.

Because rest assured a month down the line rejections for the lot will all arrive on the same day. It'll be the day the dog has gone missing, the kitchen ceiling falls in and the car gets towed. Such is the nature of things.

But for the moment I'm enjoying it. I'm finishing a couple of Scallywagga sketches. I think this next series is really going to be something special. I'm really looking forward to seeing the completed scripts. The Cbeebies stuff is all done and dusted and starting filming this month.

I've got three things I need to write now. A radio sitcom pilot, the film script and a re-working of an old script because last night I had an idea to make it much more 'zeitgeist.' Yes, I do realise that speaking about anything like that automatically condemns it to being crap.

Anyway I'd better crack on Gigging at Opus in town tonight and I'm not even bothered.