Scroobler

New blog

2011-02-15T02:46:00.000-08:00

I'm now doing a new blog. It's a bit more experimental... and stuff.

Please find it here: http://bigfib.blogspot.com/

Please come and see

ta
John

ta-da

2010-07-20T13:37:00.001-07:00

August 9th, at 9.30pm, just after a repeat of Gavin and Stacy.

is when the Inn Mates pilot will air.

I'm rubbish at this blog aren't I.

just so busy seemingly doing nothing. Presently writing non-jokes for Mencap.

2010-06-08T02:00:00.000-07:00

Right... well the pilot has been shot. And edited and is now in the hands of the people who will decide whether or not they like it.

It was a hell of a process. A good hell. And a real eye-opener.

I'm going to update this more fully later, but enough for now to say the show will be aired on BBC3 at some point. Not sure when.

It was filmed on location at Corban's Gallery in Halebarns, for the pub parts and Overdraft in Manchester, for the nigh club scenes, as well as some various bedrooms in the Hume area.

Castwide it features:
Brian - Neil Morrissey
Josh - Joe Tracini
Kaney - Bev Rudd
Chiz - Andrew Ellis
Blue - Rachel Rae
John - Jonny Dixon
Sharon - Poppy Jhakra
Pete - Liam Garrigan
Maisie - Charlene McKenna
Gina - Rachel Elizabeth
Mad Keith - Kevin Davies
Elf - Aisling Bea

will update very soon, inc detaiks of how i failed to get aa part.

secret squirrel

2010-04-27T07:56:00.001-07:00

lots and lots of things have happened and been happening with the production of Inn Mates.

we had the read through yesterday, the cast seem great, the director is superb and the producer is brilliant.

this isn't how it's supposed to be... surely.

Filming starts next week. Will update more soon. I'm just not sure what I am and aren't allowed to say. It's all a bit secret squirrel.

scarf man

2010-01-05T02:55:00.001-08:00

bloody hell... now that is snow.

here is the view from the office this morning... it's not actually that blue. I think that's either the early morning light - 8am, or my phone camera is jiggered.

hope you had a nice chrimbo and a happy new year. I am currently engaged on a new year detox which basically means now booze, no bread, no red meat and no potatoes. And nothing processed.

It's five days without booze today. I honestly can't remember the last time I went that long without a drink. Got to be done though, for the sake of the liver. Poor thing. It had some hammer over christmas. Actually it's had some hammer over the last 20 years so my new years resolution is to be nicer to it. that and to wear more hats. Although I don't suit hats, so I might have to re-evaluate that one.

There are people who do suit hats, they are people like Brad Pitt, Tom Baker, Samual L Jackson, my mate Matt and Sir Ian McKellen.

Other people, like me, don't suit hats. And I have tried. I've tried beanies, but I look l.ike Cartman. I've tried a flatcap, but it just made me look desperately northern. I used to wear a Kangol, backwards... for about a week. Then I think the style police took it away for my own safety. I've evern tried one of those Nepalese things that come down over your ears but I look like a Blade Runner fugitive. First hat I had was aged 10... I think. It was a Stetson with 'I Shot JR' emblazoned upon it. It was from a market somewhere in the mists of time, a present from an auntie who said: "that's your birthday present," six weeks before my birthday. I didn't even really want it.

I'm not brave enough to try a fedora, or a trilby, they either trap my ears or just perch up on top making me look like a pretentious Mr Potato Head.

No, I'm more of a scarf man.

Anyway, off to the kitchen to make a nice plate of salad. Just what you need on a day like today, then back in here to start doing my tax.

Oh happy days.

The Inn Mates

2009-11-18T06:07:00.000-08:00

well...

the cat is out of the bag, I have been bursting to say something, but I am very happy to say I have been commissioned to make a pilot for the script - cuirrently called The Inn Mates, which I developed as part of the College of Comedy.

Click here for the story in Broadcast

I'll let you know more on casting and the like as we have it, but for the moment a little bit about the idea.

I grew up in a pub, a very small pub on the edge of a council estate from the age of 4 to 21. I started work behind the bar when I was 16. The characters I met when I was there still inform my comedy writing to this day and I think they always will.'

I always wanted to write a sitcom about a pub, but was always a bit too terrified to try as Craig Cash and Phil Mealy did it so bloody well in Early Doors, and Al Murray did it studio-style in Time Gentlemen Please. Tony Roache did the hyper insane World of Pub and with pubs playing various roles in various sitcoms throughout the ages I was struggling to see how I could come up with anything new.

Then I had an idea... pubs are all about the people who go there. what about a sitcom set in a pub where you never see the bar. So after a lot of brainache I set it in the dining area of a harvester style pub where people go for their Sunday lunch.

It's moved on a bit since then. It's not just going to be in the pub, but the pub did give me the focus to create the characters and I'm now having a lot of fun taking them outside.

It won't be anything like Early Doors. I'd never dare try to imitate something I love so much. It's just a world full of characters I love who make me laugh. I just hope it does the same for everyone else.

There's a long way to go and this, now, even after all this time, just feels like the beginning of the journey. If you want to know what happens along the way then I'll keep you posted. Fingers crossed.

shaking dog

2009-10-19T02:01:00.001-07:00

work, work, busy, busy...

I'm very happy to say I've been commissioned to write a script for a mainstream sitcom idea I pitched a month or so ago. My first proper original commission. Okay, so it's not a series, it's not even a pilot, but it's a proper grown-up commission and I'm very happy about the fact. It feels like I've reached a personal milestone.

On a shelf at the far end of my office - which is a converted garage - there used to be a bottle of Champagne I'd been saving for when I finally get an original series commissioned, but as this script commission coincided with my mum's birthday it seemed like a perfect time to crack it open. Plus it meant I didn't have to go to the shop.

It's not easy this script writing malarkey you know. The most difficult bit is coming up with good original relationships and characters who react in believable ways to drive the story forward. I know that's stating the obvious, but it's true.

I was lucky enough to be asked to write a script for an existing show a while back, it was a real seat-of-the-pants job and needed to be done in two weeks. But it was easy because they gave me a 'series bible' with an intricate breakdown of who all the characters were, the tone and theme of the show.

but coming up with original stuff... I always find it a struggle. I have already done a first draft of this new project and completely binned it. I honestly don't think there's anything I can use from it other than the opening scene. But that's what they're for. It gave me an idea for the structure of the storiesand I could see the characters starting to come alive.

I know the tone I want and I have a rough idea of who these characters are. From that point I find there's nothing I can do other than write it, because it turns into a sort of symbiotic process of story and character feeding each other as I write them and slowly, coming alive.

I'm now working on a second first draft which begins about half way through the original first draft, has done away with a character and two locations. I am going to really go for it this week and try to get this finished by Friday.

My self imposed deadline for getting it over to the Beeb is November 10, because that's when Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 comes out and I am genuinely excited about getting my hands on it.

Elsewhere what the commission means iis I've had to put the Big Bear script on hold for a while. I finished a first draft which I wasn't particularly happy with - but not madly unhappy with, it was definitely getting there - and sent that over just to show willing. I'm looking forward to seeing their new sitcom Big Top when it goes out on BBC1 in December.

It's been nice to start seeing my name in credits at last. the new Dragons Den online series on BBC2, Gigglebiz on CBeebies both had me in the same day last week. I know I'm the only person in the world to either know or care about that, but it was nice.

I sent some stuff over for Armstrong and Miller, which I haven't heard back from and I've been very busy getting completely ignored by Funny or Die.

Anyway, must crack on. The dog is shaking - she can see a squirrel.

big computer keyboard

2009-08-25T15:03:00.001-07:00

Gosh... has it really been a month?

I'm kind of struggling to keep this up to date, and there are a number of reasons for this -

1. I very rarely think I have anything interesting to say.
2. August, and the Edinburgh festival. Every man, his dog and his midget trapeze troup are blogging. the ether is thick with blogs. tales of drunkenness and fingering and ... all sorts of things that make me wish I was there.
3. congenitally lazy. No. Not lazy, efficient. Just not efficient at updating the blog.
4. the little one spilt tea all over my big computer keyboard - that's my keyboard for my 'big' computer, ie. not the laptop; before you go thiking I have some sort of giant novelty computer keyboard. It's just a normal keyboard on whih the cursor keys don't work and the 's' sticks. All very annoying.

I've spent the last month hammering out one pagers for three ideas I have. Two are fairly mainstream sitcoms and one is a radio sci fi series. I love them all. One is based on an ex girlfriend's family, one is based on my own family and the sci fi is based on an idea I've had knocking around for a while.

I've also been doing a lot of reading up and researchfor a script I'm putting together for Big Bear Films. It came from a short play I wrote which they really liked and want to develop into a comedy drama.

I've spent the last month just letting the idea gestate. I feel I'm getting to a point now where I can start to script it.

So I will. Tomorrow, just as soon as I've cleaned the keyboard.

bed bugs for free

2009-07-27T04:37:00.000-07:00

So then, the little 'un was one last week. And we had a big party in the garden. Lots of fun was had by all. This week she is celebrating the anniversary of her birth with a rather smelly bout of explosive diarrhoea.

I was in Halifax last night at the inaugral Halifax Comedy Festival, where I had the dubious honour of performing 25 minutes of comedy to about 25 people in a badly lit theatre.

It went, probably about as well as it could have gone given the circumstances. I left thinking that if I never go back to Halifax again it would be no bad thing for either of us.

Then this morning my agent emails. Apparently this Friday I am in... yes... HALIFAX.

I'm doing a gig at the Victoria Theatre bar - it's a club booked by Off The Kerb which has run for years and is usually a great little gig. Am I looking forward to it? Meh.

That sort of sums up the gigging week for me. On Saturday I'll be performing in a tent at the Fringe Festival - no not that one, one in Stockton-on-tees, at 5pm. Yes, that's rtight, comedy, in a tent at 5pm.

I didn't know it was in a tent when I booked it, and to be fair my agent hasn't told me it's in a tent. I only found out by doing a bit of googling to see who else I'm on with. I reckon he's saving that special bit of info for later in the week.

I reckon he's got a box of bad news that he keeps by his desk and if something upsets him, he dishes a little bit of it out and thereby makes himself happy again.

In thursday I'll be in a liverpudlian cellar. God I really hate this job sometimes.

Still tomorrow I'm off down to fancy London to meet some people I really like, to talk about things I really want to write. To temper this streamk of positivity I will be staying in a hotel called the Premier West which costs £55 a night and received the following review on tripadvisor:

Do you like dirty, worn bedlinen with holes in them? Are you a fan of broken, unvarnished furniture that a charity shop would not accept? Do you like your tv unconnected on the floor and with the poorest signal imaginable? Or maybe you would like to sit on a toilet that has every previous tenant's rear shaped on it.

If you do then this is the hotel for you!! Experience the thrill of life threatening hygiene standards throughout the hotel, the rush of adrenaline as you want to burn the whole establishment to the ground so noone can book and suffer in it anymore and most importantly, experience the loss of the £56 that could have gone towards a decent night's stay.

So call now and enjoy the stay of your life. If you book in the next 20 minutes we will add bed bugs for FREE!

Well, I don't want to go getting ideas above my station do I.

Can hear wife calling. I think the little one has just gone off again. Must dash.

boot up, log on, drop out

2009-07-20T13:36:00.001-07:00

Oh... yep I'm on a deadline. So I've been fruitlessly surfing the internet and finding incredible ways of procrastinating while a Final Draft document sits open on the desktop occasionally peeping out at me when I close a window.

Things I have done today which didn't need doing:
* contacted council about potential planning permission for an extension we have no plans for in the next five years.
* Applied to some man from Hull Council about a writing job I have no plans of taking.
* posted various pointless posts on internet forums while I should have been working. These included - an opinion on whether Final Draft is better than Word, a pointless bit of banter about something or other
* threatened violence towards a telesales caller - when they called back a second time despite being asked nicely not to the first time (baby in bed)
* wrote a review of a film I watched - for a friend
* went out twice looking for the dog who ran off.
* showered the dog which returned covered in smelly fox poo (okay maybe that did need doing)
* watched some of Peter Pan
* bid on series 1 of Yes Minister
* emailed some people I haven't spoken to for a while
* started researching whether or not NASA and the US government were trying to cover up life on mars. Looked at lots of evidence and I don't think they are.
* double-checked the difference betweena simile and a metaphor.
* looked at listings for rubbish comedy gigs I would never ever play and then wondered why they hadn't asked me to.

And then... I found this... which is brilliant...

How can I write when there are things like this to be watched.

This is how mankind atrophies. Technology has won.

We don't need to read maps any more, or remember phone numbers or addresses. We can socially interact using only our fingers on a keyboard.

Boot up, log on and drop out, is the new mantra. The internet is The Matrix... and THIS is its face...

Reel Around The Countryside

2009-07-17T00:18:00.000-07:00

Springwatch is the BBC's biggest outside broadcast show with a crew of hundreds and scores of hidden cameras spying on badgers and various other whimsical creatures in their natural habitats.

It's kind of a British countryside version of Big Brother, with animals instead of idiots.

The current host is Chris Packham, who deserves to be recognised for an act of genius in slipping Smiths song titles into the script for each episode.

as this clip demonstrates.

jager bombs

2009-07-15T04:00:00.000-07:00

When it comes to drinks I tend to be fairly discerning. Laphroig is my favourite tipple, in a short tumbler with three pieces of ice and a splash of water. I like a G&T, made with Bombay Saphire, Jack daniels with full fat coke or vodka with... anything really.

In terms of grape I'm a big fan of Gavi di Gavi, or anything from Macon. Beer, if it's fizzy, has to come from a country where the men wear leather shorts and have giant moustaches. If it's ale it has to come from an artisan brewery.

So why... oh why did I find myself at 2am stood at a bar in fallowfield dropping shots of Jagermeister into half a glass of redbull, knocking it back and ordering more as if it was the best new discovery since Christopher Colombus dug up an oddly shaped root and said: "I shall call you 'Potato'."

Jager bombs... that's what they were called. I was at a Tuesday night stag do - I know!!! - and it was also a farewell to a dear friend who's buggering off down to London. Next time I see him he'll probably have a Blackberry, an Ipod and an accent.

I felt justified in having a night out as I delivered the first draft of a script on Monday. Now I wait for the notes. It's an odd feeling, it's kind of like waiting for your homework to be marked. Not that I should know because I don't think I did a single piece of homework during my time at school. Actually I did one I can remember. It was for English, it was a story I wrote about being the last man alive after a nuclear war, locked in a bunker going crazy and ended with me leaving the bunker walking out into the radioactive wasteland in the hope of finding another survivor. It got read out in class and, now I think about it, that was probably when I knew I wanted to be a writer.

The script editor will be in touch soon to tell me exactly how wrong I have got it. Just as long as she hasn't written 'see me' in metaphorical red letters all should be fine.

Gigglebiz the CBeebies sketch show airs in September. Scallywagga 2 starts shooting in a week or so. So that should be fun.

right... better do some work.

Dance to the radio

2009-07-10T00:48:00.000-07:00

Been meaning to update for AGES... but have been working incredibly hard on three different things - some links for a new Dragons Den show, 40,000 rewrites for Scallywagga and an episode of a sort of Comedy Dr Who for CBBC.

Will update with a proper post soon, but in the meantime, to counter the horrendous cover I posted beloiw of Take That doing Nirvana, here is a steel band doing Transmission.

Enjoy. it's brilliant

Shaddup a yer face.

2009-06-24T23:44:00.000-07:00

Possibly the wrongest thing I have ever seen, and quite simply the worst cover version ever done of anything.

Imagine the Osmonds doing Smack My Bitch Up and then multiply it by Joe Dolce.

Anyway here are Take That, doing Smells Like Teen Spirit...

I know!!!

bugger

2009-06-19T07:48:00.000-07:00

I had a brilliant idea.

I was reading the other day that when you own your house you own all the sky above it and all the earth below. And that got me thinking... I wonder who lives underneath me. If I was to start digging and carry on through the mantle, the molten core until I popped out the other side... where would I emerge?

Would it be in the garden of some south pacific tribesman or the back yard of a New Zealand sheep farmer. Would I arrive triumphant in a Japanese palace or at an outback barbie.

Who is my neighbour?

I decided to find out. Not only to find out, but once I had found out I decided that thhe neighbourly thing to do would be to go and visit them.

I mean come on, what a great story. I could get an Edinburgh show, a book and probably an hour of telly out of that.

So after lots of scratching of head and fiddling of google earth I made contact with a lady who told me how to calculate my antipode. So I did. And it's slap bang in the middle of the South Pacific.

Bugger.

bar hinge

2009-06-08T06:53:00.000-07:00

Yawn... monday. What a start to the week.

The dog is going mad because it's a full moon and my lovely little daughter farted at me while I was changing her nappy.

which was nice.

Bit of a mental week this week. I'm planning to be off next week so I've got to finish a load of Scallywagga rewrites and do about 50 links for a new Dragons Den show on Beeb 2.

And then, possibly, if I get chance, spend a couple of hours making up an amusing commentary for an ITV show called "... Do The Funniest Things" for absolutely no money at all.

The kind people at Granada say that if I can make them laugh then they will give me the chance to go head to head with dozens of other writers all trying to make funnies for the same two-minute clips. The producer then cherry picks the best and the lucky chosen writer gets... £50 for their efforts.

Not sure I'm going to be able to get round to it.

Elsewhere... had some good feedback on my sitcom from the channel controller. Not good enough to give it a pilot, but good in that he liked the characters, the comedy and even the title - sorry Dan not yours. Got some very specific notes and so it's rewrite time again.

Wife has just rung me from John Lewis. We're getting a new toilet seat. One witha bar hinge apparently.

on the stocks

2009-05-26T16:46:00.000-07:00

right, well..

Today I found out I have three days to re-write a script I thought I had three weeks to work on.

Which was a bit of a bugger.

But ... thankfully, thanks to some great suggestions from the exec, I did it all tonight. I had to make one part bigger because the head of comedy and the comedy commissioner have a certain person in mind for that role and they want it ... well, bigger. And yesterday.

So i started writing it blind. It's a good way to write. it's the most exciting way to write. But you can only do it if you know your characters.

I certainly know these fookers because I've been writing them for a year.

I love writing blind. You just start off with a pair of characters meeting, or a situation happening and because you know them so well they sort of write it for you. It's a beautiful moment. This is when you know your characters aren't just two-dimensional beings. This is when you find that every aspect of their made-up lives inform every line of dialogue. I know that sounds wanky, but it happens. It takes a lot of time and a lot of crap scripts before you get there but when you get there it is a great feeling.

I have to say that my project has shifted channels and as a result I think the chances of it getting made have been reduced. But I don't care. I honestly don't and that surprises even me.

There are two reasons for this.
1. I know it's a good piece of work, something I'm truly proud of and is a great thing to have on the stocks for the future.
2. read this interview with Simon Beaufoy: http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/insight/simon_beaufoy.shtml
he's been through the mill and offers some sage advice.

Also today - I sent some final sketches over to Scallywagga (bbc3), rewrote a press release for a comms company and went for a meeting about being a writer on a muslim radio soap. I was initially very sceptical about it but... it sounds really, really good. So probably won't get offered it.

oh, and if anyone can think of a good title for a sitcom set in a pub, please post them below. If I use it and it gets made I will pay you whatever the rate is for that sort of thing. promise.

Wordle

2009-05-20T07:42:00.001-07:00

the blog has become a wordle word cloud. see it here...

title="Wordle: Scroobler"> src="http://www.wordle.net/thumb/wrdl/867546/Scroobler"
alt="Wordle: Scroobler"
style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">

B*llocks to Alton Towers

2009-05-17T12:19:00.001-07:00

I can't remember the last time I finished a book.

I've been reading The Grapes Of Wrath for what has to be over a year and I'm still only on page 103. It sits there next to the bed, sometimes it falls under it or down the side of it, but it's always close by. It never gets read because it always loses the mental toss-up which occurs at bedtime between reading or playing bejewelled on my phone.

I bought it when I was going through a bit of a Steinbeck phase. I read Cannery Row and Mice and Men. They were both great, contained fantastic characters, but most importantly I think... they were really quite short. Grapes of Wrath isn't.

I've dipped into other stuff while it has sat there. I've nearly finished a book about Fawlty Towers, but the writing made me angry; I read about 30% of Derren Brown's Tricks of The Mind, but gave up when it made me feel mentally lazy. I've dipped into a few Pratchetts, some 1940s plays, a book on directing, an Artemis Fowl adventure, some Alan Bennett, some Jeremy Clarkson a bit of Charlie Brooker, something called The Suspicions of Mr Whicher, a couple of comic book compilations, Sun Tzu's The Art of War, Machiavelli's The Prince and the fantastically named - Bollocks to Alton Towers.

I've not finished any of them. Apart from An Uncommon Reader by Alan Bennett which is about 90 pages long.

I don't know why, but I just don't seem able to finish a book these days. The last books I remember truly enjoying were the two Dirk Gently novels by Douglas Adams and The Wrong Boy by Willy Russell. Oh and I really enjoyed a brief journey into the world of Jasper Fford.

Oh... and The Da Vinci Code. I loved the Da Vinci Code.

If anyone can recommend me a good book then please do. Nothing too pretentious or wanky though.

Although if you do have a good book I can't imagine why you'd be reading this.

Away from reading and back to writing... I have ten minutes worth of sketches to write this week. I am planning to try and get all the first drafts done tomorrow and then along with tickling them throughout the week I am going to re-edit my film treatment. In fact I might have a little crack at that now. And then have an early night. Maybe with a book. Maybe I'll crack on with The Grapes of Wrath.

I'll probably play Bejewelled.

Romance...

2009-05-15T04:44:00.000-07:00

Funniest intro to a story I have ever read... HERE

Screaming at strangers

2009-05-11T01:47:00.000-07:00

On the suggestion of a friend I've made it so anyone can comment on blog posts. Meaning you don't have to sign up to Blogspot first.

It is three months and one day since I quit smoking. The cravings have abated and I no longer feeel like screaming at strangers. Which is nice.

I have to go now. I have a deadline of tomorrow to get a script finished before I can start on the sketches I should have done last week.

Still got that horrible taste in my mouth.

what a cock

2009-05-10T09:13:00.000-07:00

Oh...

I'm a proper writer now. I've had a panic attack.

I genuinely thought I was going to die.

It happened like this -

It had been a very mellow week, I'd been working hard on a script which goes in for offers soon, and was happy with the way it was going. The garden was looking nice even though I bought an allotment size bundle of lettuces I found places for most of them - one is even planted in an old shoe. Maggie is developing a real personality, I got a new commission for some sketches and things were just generally going nicely.

On wednesday I went to my favourite shop in the world the Unicorn Grocers in Chorlton Cum Hardy and bought some lovely organic veg and the biggest bag of pine kernels I have ever seen. I polished the lot of them off after drinking lots of beer in Leeds where I'd been to a Q&A with Jeremy Dyson, Phil Mealey and Micheal Jacob.

On thursday I'm reading - for research purposes - that a metallic taste in your mouth is sometimes experienced as a precursor to a heart attack or a stroke.

Anyway Friday I'm off to meet a pal in a nice restaurant in Altrincham, his treat, to chat about comedy writing. Not seen each other for a while. I was looking forward to it... until...

A metallic taste appeared in my mouth. It was definitely there. I couldn't do anything to shift it. I tried mouthwash, drinks, citrus fruit. It would not go.

I didn't want to google the problem because that's just bloody well asking for trouble isn't it.

I went to meet my mate and was eating a starter of sardines on toast when it came back. Stronger. I started to feel woozy, putting two and two together and coming up with IMMINENT DEATH. I thought - this is it. The years of boozing and smoking have caught up with me. I made my excuses and left without even touching the main course. I went home and crawled into bed to sleep hoping when I awoke the taste would be gone.

It wasn't. Nor was it on Saturday morning. Or Sunday. It's still there now. It's horrible. But I'm not that bothered by it any more. Not since I found this on wikipedia:

Risks of eating pine nuts:
The eating of pine nuts can cause serious taste disturbances, developing 1-3 days after consumption and lasting for days or weeks. A bitter, metallic taste is described. In general, a minority of pine nuts on the market present this problem. Though very unpleasant, there does not seem to be a real health concern.

(Note - there are hundreds of other much more common reasons why someone might have a metallic taste in thier mouths. I post this information for peoiple who are as paranoid as I am)

looming

2009-04-27T06:35:00.001-07:00

I have the worst hangover I have ever had.

I was given a pill which a friend swears by for getting rid of them, it's something for migraine relief, but all that happened was I took it and then thought maybe I should have read up about it first.

So then I read up about it - after I'd taken it - and the list of potential side effects gave me 'The Fear.'

I have two deadlines looming. I love deadlines. These days it's the only time I ever bother to play my xbox.

Goldfish Shoals nibbling at my toes

2009-04-12T15:36:00.000-07:00

Just watched the new Red Dwarf three parter on cable channel 'Dave'

In summary:

At the start of ep 2 I thought: Oh this is like the league of gents film...

Which later turned into... actually, now I think about it, the league of gents ripped off Blade Runner.

which resolved as... I love Red Dwarf.... this could run for ever..

IMHO:

I was a bit freaked out by the lack of laughter track at first, but got used to it. Ep 1 felt like classic Red Dwarf, Ep 2 was easily the funniest, but Ep 3 left me wanting more.

In summary: near perfect television.

karma store detective

2009-04-09T15:50:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning in a foul mood.

I don't know why.

I got drunk on tuesday, yesterday I was a little hungover and I think maybe today was some sort of hangover from the hangover.

Or... maybe it's the full moon. I wonder. Maybe I should keep a diary of bad moods and then correlate them to the moevment of the... no. Silly idea.

It was about 8am and the little 'un was making her morning sqwaking noises which are incredibly cute, but I couldn't shake it off. So rather than sit at the breakfast table and be a misery I took myself off to the office where I could stew and fester alone.

Bad moods are silly. And this one wasn't even justified in hanging around. Two great things happpened today: one to do with a script and one to do with getting a new phone:

Nice isn't it.

But they were tempered by the news that my hard drive is knackered and I'm going o have to pay £300 to get the data off it.

net regret?

2009-04-08T04:06:00.000-07:00

I expect that in the next few years a term will be coined which expresses regret for the amount of time people have wasted through moaning and having pointless arguments on the internet.

Grandparents will sit kids on their knee and warn them of the perils of facebook and forums.

"Enjoy your life," they'll say. "Don't waste it like I did writing nonsense to idiots, about things that don't matter."

I wonder what that term will be... net-regret?

No... that's shit.

setting fire to the sky

2009-04-08T01:46:00.001-07:00

I went to Redcar.

Bloody hell...

I knew it was going to be a weird one when on the way in I saw them trying to set fire to the sky.

Apparently this was where Ridley Scott got the inspiration for the opening scenes of Blade Runner. It''s easy to believe.

Read about that: HERE

The gig was good. weird, but good. Someone on the front row had seen me on youtube and kept telling his girlfriend what the punchlines were.

Must write some new stuff...

the nature of things

2009-04-04T03:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, I've calmed down. There was an intense period of high which followed the showcase which has abated now, meaning a normal emotional service of despondency, desperation and hopelessness has been resumed.

Not really, I'm actually quite chipper at the moment. I haven't had a cigarette for eight weeks, I've left facebook and twitter and any day now I'm expecting a script fee through which means we can pay the mortgage for the next few months.

I've sent my film treatment to someone who could actually make it and asked to read it, had a nice meeting with a handful of good indies and there are currently two projects in with the Beeb which I feel good about. As a writer these are the moments you have to cherish. The moments where it seems everything is actually going ok.

Because rest assured a month down the line rejections for the lot will all arrive on the same day. It'll be the day the dog has gone missing, the kitchen ceiling falls in and the car gets towed. Such is the nature of things.

But for the moment I'm enjoying it. I'm finishing a couple of Scallywagga sketches. I think this next series is really going to be something special. I'm really looking forward to seeing the completed scripts. The Cbeebies stuff is all done and dusted and starting filming this month.

I've got three things I need to write now. A radio sitcom pilot, the film script and a re-working of an old script because last night I had an idea to make it much more 'zeitgeist.' Yes, I do realise that speaking about anything like that automatically condemns it to being crap.

Anyway I'd better crack on Gigging at Opus in town tonight and I'm not even bothered.

2009-03-27T03:36:00.000-07:00

Wow... what a week.

After spending what seems like an age down in London I'm finally back home, for a while at least.

On Wednesday I had the pleasure of seeing my script performed by Martin Freeman, Amanda Abington, Simon Day, Joe Tracini, the one and only Una Stubbs, Geraldine McNulty, Stephen Wight, Terence Maynard, Kerry Godliman, Naomi Bentley and John Kirk at the Comedy College showcase, in Studio 8 at TV centre.

I'm still reeling from the night. It was brilliant.

2009-03-19T15:01:00.000-07:00

Can I just say I really don't mind the new layout of Facebook.

Anyway, obviously my blog gets loads updated when i'm stuck in a hotel with nothing other than vodka and cable TV for company.

Just been reading through the sparse comments on my posts - it's good to know that some people other than my five subscribers (who I adooore daahling) actually read this - and one was an old colleague from my tabloid journalism days. I say colleague, his name is Robin (hello mate) and we worked for rival agencies in Manchester/. It was always a race as to who was first to a story.

I say 'first to the story' what that translates to is usually first to a Broughton council house where someone has been murdered/kidnapped/attacked etc.

God it was a horrible job. I'm glad I gave up on the tabloids. I was no good at it anyway.

I worked for Cavendish Press, an outfit who operated from an office near the Hacienda run by a red-faced man called Brian Whittle who a few years ago dropped dead in the bar of the Crown and Kettle in Ancoats. His 2IC was called Jon. He wore permastubble and was quite funny when he wasn't being a cock.

Robin worked for News Team, an operation who had office in the Manchester Evening News building and were run by a fat polish scouser called Jo. who is still alive I think.

I had one great moment of victory over them in about 1998. It was very shortlived though.

It was on a story about a family whose fat daughter was being taken away by social services because they over fed her, and - Robin had left by this time for a life of smuggling people inside hollowed out Donkeys in South America - I was up against their chief reporter, Dave... something. Anyway the long and short of it is that I locked him out of the house and got them signed up on an exclusive contract while he tapped on the window saying 'let me in'.

I was so chuffed. Really a little bit proud of myself. So proud that as I drove through Ancoats on the way home that night I didn't notice the car in front had stopped.

I went right into the back of it.

It happened right outside a pub The Burton Arms, in fact it happened just about
HERE

Who should be the first people out of the pub to witness the accident... the whole of News Team who then helped push my car to the side of the road, somehow proving they were the real winners.

Zen Algebra

2009-03-19T12:11:00.000-07:00

in the north we're brought up to think Londoners are rude. Well I've got news, they're not. In fact they are very friendly. the reason they appear rude is because in London no-one speaks to anyone. And there's a good reason for that: It's due to the disproportionate number of nutters who seem to live here.

Waiting for the lift from Lancaster Gate Tube yesterday, the man behind me was holding a box and talking very loudly about how he didn't care where anyone else was from, but that he was better than all of us. I checked he wasn't talking on a bluetooth - i don't know if that would have made it worse or better - and then discretely wondered off to take the stairs.

I felt bad while I walked up the stairs, not because I'm overweight and under-fit - well there was that as well, but because i'd reacted like that towards a person with mental health problems. Maybe he was talking to the voices in his head, keeping them under control. I thought for a moment I should find him and talk to him to make up for my rudeness. But I didn't. Because... well that would be silly. What would I say to him? Hello I just ran off because I thought you were a scary mental, but I realise the error of my ways, my name's John how do you do.

That's not going to help either of us is it.

Anyway I bet he doesn't pick stuff out of bins. I did.

I was on my way to meet Ben at Tiger Aspect when I noticed a load of rubbish outside a house in Bayswater, and there popping out of the top of a box was a Global Knifeblcok. I know it was a global knifeblock because I paid £100 for one a couple of years ago.

I checked it was definitely rubbish and then - yoink - off we went, the Global Knifeblock and me. Now I was cutting it too fine to go bakc to the hotel and dump it there, so I popped int a shop and paid 20p for a plastic bag and took it with me to Soho Square. But I couldn't take it in with me. Conversation would have gottens around to it somehow and I wanted to avoid the subject of rummaging through bins. There's o good way to explain it. Even if it's a profitable enterprise like the Global Knifeblock - going straight on ebay when I get home - it still doesn't excuse the fact that you're a dirty bin-dipper.

So I paid a homeless gentleman £2 to mind it for me while I went into the offices. He was a bit mad as well so somehow I feel I've redeemed myself. Not sure how, it involves some complicated Zen algebra, but I'm definitely up on the deal.

shop local... my arse

2009-03-18T16:24:00.000-07:00

I'm in London... again.

Been down at the Two Pints rehearsals this week - very funny episode written by Coming of Age's Tim Dawson. Didn't make today's tech rehearsal though because someone farted on the Circle Line and they had to close it down until emergency services were able to determine just who exactly it was that let Polly out of prison

Today is Wednesday March 18. A bad day for meeting anyone from the telly business as they are all too busy throwing up free booze and canapes from either:

1. Armando Ianucci's premiere of In The Loop
2. the corden and horne premiere of lesbian vampire ... ooooh!
3. the RTS awards.

I was invited to none of them.

I did however, go to see a show on Monday written by Alex Horne at the Soho theatre which had Mark Benton, James Pearce and the fat girl from Titty Bang Bang in it. It was alright. quite funny but I spilt a pint on my trousers halfway through which took the edge off, if you know what I mean.

Second show that night - it was a new comedy writing thingie - was a mad Irishwoman... hold on I've got the thing here somehwere.... Teresa Jennings that was her name. What's the best I can say?... I've never been to Edingurgh Festival, but I imagine that's what a lot of it is like.

Best bit was when Michael Legge came in late and got dragged onto the stage so she could humiliate him. Needless to say he sort of stole the show.

Teresa if you google and read this, the acting was good. just get a writer. And don't script banter with the audience., it's just wrong.

what else???

last time I was down here, staying in the same hotel - the Park Inn, Lancaster Gate - the people in the room next to me kept having noisy sex. this time I am in that room. I don't know how to feel about it. it's a bit like turning up to a party after everyone has gone and sitting drinking on your own knowing that all the fun has already happened.

The toilet seat doesn't stay up and either tries to remove my penis or pats me on the back. neither of which are good. And the local bandits, sorry I mean shops, tried to charge me £2.33 for TWO oranges. Shop local my arse I'm off to Tesco Metro you robbing shits.

writing wise I have sent my screenplay treatment to a few places, next wednesday is the showcase for all the comedy college scripts, I've spent all day rewriting sketches for CBeebies. tomorrow I shall be writing more stuff for Scallywagga and putting together an idea I came up with during coffee this morning. it's ace. or it could be really shit. Must get in touch with David. I've found a slot for one of our ideas.

I haven't had a single pie since I've been down here. Found a top Thai place on Queensway, Bayswater

good old me

2009-02-25T17:49:00.001-08:00

it's exactly three weeks since I gave up smoking. I think I'm doing quite well.

Really

2009-02-25T03:14:00.000-08:00

I'm writing some sketches for a CBeebies show and one of them is about an ice cream man. So... ever diligent go to You Tube for a bit of research where I find this:

I really must watch Life on Mars again.

2009-02-24T04:03:00.000-08:00

I had food poisoning at the weekend. I was up in Edinburgh performing at Jongleurs and on the Friday night I came off stage went straight into the dressing room toilets and ... it wasn't nice.

I can't decide where I got it from. there are two options:

1. a bacon and egg barm I had from a butty van at the entrance to Sale Water Park
2. a Ginsters beef wrap I bought from a service station on the M6 for the reasonable fee of £3.69

It was a night of pure hell. Hotel rooms are horrible places to be on your own especially when you're ill. I was convinced I was going to die and it's not how I imagined my demise at all. I don't want to die in a hotel room, or at least not in one where there's no drugs, whores or donkeys.

Writing wise... I've been commissioned for ten minutes of material for a new CBeebies sketch show. It's aimed at their older viewers the erudite 2 to 4 year olds, I've sent my last draft of my comedy college script and I've come up with a sci-fi idea which I'm going to write for radio. Apparently they don't like sci-fi. Oh well. It's a bloody good idea it's got to be done.

I was asked to send some ideas over for My Family which I did and have heard nothing back on. So that's nice. There's a new BBC7 topical sketch show kicking off soon who are asking for submissions. I might try and come up with something for that today but I find topical stuff really boring. Probably because I'm not that good at it.

Still heard nothing from the UK Film Council re the funding application for This Beautiful Morning.

So all in all nothing much to write about really. But Google Mail is down at the moment and I have to do something to stop me working. Hence the update.

Maggie has a new noise. It goes 'brah'

Written down it doesn't look like much but it was a revelation to us.

Note to self: go out more.

No More Pies...

2009-02-05T14:44:00.000-08:00

Seriously... I've OP'd.

Since I got here I've had a beef and ale pie, a game pie and today a chicken, ham and leek. I am pastry hear me barf.

tomorrow it's fruit for breakfast,

Today is the day I officially gave up smoking. It's going really well. No it is, it's fine. Seriously I'm okay.

look will you just bloody leave it I'm fine alright.

Now... what can I hit.

off for a pie

2009-02-05T10:25:00.000-08:00

London has got a lot of steps, my legs are killing me.

There's so much going on here, it's ridiculous. Last night I popped into a pub and as well as a pint the barman tried to sell me a ticket to a play going on downstairs. "You're probably not into that sort of thing are you," he asked. "Yeah, I am," I replied. "Who's your favourite playwrite?" he asked. Quick as a flash I answered: "Shakespeare." He didn't look convinced. He nodded, smiled, tipped himself from my change and said: "Who's your favourite Hamlet?"
I looked him square in the eye: "Can i have a bag of crisps please?"

Went to see the Adam and Pippa show which was excellent. Last night went to see the Pros from Dover which wasn't really my cup of tea. Tonight I'm having a night in the hotel and watching the Masterchef double-bill. Though I might pop out for a speciality pie from The Leinster.

The Cbeebies meeting went well. They had biscuits. I'll be finding out next week how much stuff they want to commission.

Dinner with Micheal Jacob last night which is always good fun. He wants the scripts for the comedy college showcase in next week so I'm going to spend the next two days solidly writing, because we're I'm not back in on Two pints until Sunday when they're recording. Pat Monahan is doing the audience warm-up. Probably going to be a late one then...

right, off for a pie.

flashing lights

2009-02-03T05:23:00.000-08:00

Well I braved the wall of ice which seems to have engulfed Britain this week and made it down to fancy London, where, inbetween pointing at aeroplanes and trying to fish the moon from a puddle with a stick I'm doing a week on Two Pints of Lager and a Packet o Crisps Please, the BBC3 sitcom now in it's eighth series.

Got to the hotel last night and despite my cheerful greeting and tidy appearance was still given the smallest room they had. I think they actually chopped a bit of the bed off so they could fit it in. It was so dingy all that was missing was a spinning wheel. I say missing, they probably just couldn't fit it in. Forget swinging a cat, you couldn't even... anyway I went downstairs and had a quite word - told them I was a journalist and had stayed on an Afghan sheep farm with better rooms - and they eventually moved me to a much nicer room without any heating - spiteful bastards.

I moaned at Breakfast and they promised to fix it. Someone has clearly been and done something while I've been out because there's a light and a spanner icon flashing on the control panel now where there wasn't before. Still not 'technically' working though.

I went to the read-through this morning for ep 1. Not sure what I'm allowed to say about it, so best say nothing. Other than it's a great start for the series.

What I will say is that I've found a smart pub around the corner from the hotel, The Leinster. which does real ales and speciality pies. Had a Timothy Taylor beef pie last night. Tonight... who knows.

Tomorrow I'm off to Broadcasting House to meet a producer about writing sketches for a kids show. The plan is to meet the talent and thrash out ideas for new characters. I'll be honest I haven't got a clue how it's going to work. I find the best thing to do in these situations is go along and be quiet until someone asks me something and then I'll usually say something which makes me sound like a dick.

Sketch show tonight. The Adam and Pippa Show, at the Lowdown at The Albany. far too many 'at the's' there for my liking but am sure it will be joyful.

Now... I'm going to call reception about those flashing lights.

What songs make you cry?

2009-01-26T00:35:00.000-08:00

What songs make you cry?

For me it's always Two Little Boys, the rousing refrain at the end where they sing:

"Did you say Jack you're all a-tremble
Perhaps it's the battles' noise.
Or it could be that I remember, when we were two little boys."

I am a bit of a wuss though. I cry watching Mrs Doubtfire, for god's sake.

Sarah's brother, Mark, cries whenever he hears Halfway Up The Stairs, by Kermits nephew Robin. I don't know why maybe he killed a frog as a child.

Jason Cook has just messaged me on Facebook - he's up early to talk about swearing on Toby Fosters's show on BBC Sheffield - for him it's Bridge Over Troubled Waters. Not sure which version. Probably NOT this one though:

Why... why would anyone film that?

And while we're on the subject of why would anyone film that... I'll leave you with this. Thanks again to JC for this. It really cheered up my day, for all the wrong reasons.

Play Doh Fun Factory

2009-01-26T00:12:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh, Monday morning.

I'm sitting in the office at 7.30am, looking out across the lawn. The sun is rising behind St Paul's church and bringing an warming amber glow to a cold morning. A squirrel scurries along the thumb of the five-fingered Ash and a robin is wrestling with a crust on the bird table.

And slap bang in the middle of the garden, a freshly laid dog turd is curling steam into the crisp early air. It seems quite symbolic.

A theme is developing in my life at the moment and that theme is this: poo.

Baby poo to be more specific. It's bloody everywhere.

Poor little Maggie has just started on solids and... I'll spare you the details but last night she did one in the bath. This morning I awoke to find Sarah 'helping' her by rotating her legs while Maggie...

it was like a Play Doh Fun Factory, but without the fun.

Poor thing.

I sat and watched and thought - should I be filming this?

deadlines

2009-01-19T01:16:00.000-08:00

Aaargh... how do they do it. How do deadlines manage to creep up like this. They're like buses. There's none for ages and now there's two at once.

Douglas Adams once said - I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

But he was Douglas Adams so he could say that.

I'm just sat here contemplating tidying the office and putting all my DVDs in the order of birth date of the director.

No... must get on. After a quick update...

This weekend I was at Nottingham Jongleurs. Had two gorgeous gigs and on the Friday saw someone wee on a scally. Honestly. Not in the club it was the Waterfront Bar which is close to Jongleurs, you can see it when stood outside having a fag. Anyway there was a private party on the first floor and they have a big balcony when three hoody little muppets walk underneath and someone urinates on them.

Fair enough if you ask me. Off they go and get their mates and a battle ensued - which I missed - in which they took on 30 blokes apparently.

I also met two comics I haven't worked with before - Ian Coppinger, a thoroughly lovely Irishman who stayed and got drunk with me on the Frtiday, and Rob Collins who stayed but doesn't drink. He's a lovely man as well.

On Saturday I went for a Chinese Buffet sat the May Sum just around the corner from the hotel. I had:
1. hot and sour soup
2. 4x pancakes with shredded duck, hoi sin etc
3. 2x Satay skewers and 3x ribs
4. 2x Sui Mai 3x mini spring rolls
5. noodles and a selection of main courses.
and two bottles of sparkling mineral water... all for £9.40. Brilliant.

Rob and Ian went to the more chavvy £5 buffet next door called Big Wok where everyone sang Happy Birthday to a girl whose boyfriend had taken her there for a treat. Bless.

Errrr... that's it.

Filming a small part in Coronation Street on Wednesday -I have four lines - and tomorrow meeting a producer about making a short film.

I really should get on now.

swollen kangaroo

2009-01-03T04:53:00.001-08:00

There's a little game I play, every time I find myself in a bad mood. Which is more and more these days. In fact I'm quite astounded at the sort of things which can set me off. I can't park in a supermarket anymore without fuming at the inconsiderate idiots I'm forced to share a car park with, there's very little TV I can watch without feeling I'm being treated like an idiot. Shows which are essentially dull as dishwater - David Dickinson's Real Deal and Jimmy's Farm spring to mind - try to use creative editing to build tension where there really isn't any and never will be.

And the pauses... why has every show on TV started ... using... dramatic................................................................. pauses.

I despise those big drawn out silences usually punctuated by some sort of heart-beat as if a were a life and death decision when all it really is, is usually the announcement of which luckless warbler is going on to annoy us for one less week than the others, or which lucky Johnny has been chosen to prove they're just like you and me by eating swollen kangaroo testicle live on TV.

I might start keeping a log of things which annoy me. It might help me understand it.

Anyway, here's a hint for you if you ever find yourself in a bad mood. What I do, when I'm in a bad mood is I find someone who is in a good mood... and annoy them.

2008-12-30T07:33:00.000-08:00

Meh... I knew I wouldn't keep it up. Let's be fair the Xmas gigs were all going pretty well, so it makes dull reading. There was one bad one. Black Friday, the last Friday before xmas. I was at Opus with John Scott, Steve Shanyaski and Steve Harris and the audience were giving us NOTHING.

Not a thing. Not even heckling really. Just sitting there staring and hating us. It's bizarre. I don't understand how a whole room can go like that. Jokes which are normally bankers failed to raise a titter. It felt like they despised us for even trying to make them laugh.

I'm sure Karl Jung would have some stuff to say about it. It's very bizarre though.

Finished my film treatment. Bit nervous about sending it off to the BFC. Got loads to crack on with though, loads of notes on Scallywagga sketches, have to re-write Sunday Lunchers for the Comedy College showcase in April and ... and... not that much to do really.

Oh no, that's it. I'm going to write a five min set for Steve Bishop and try performing him live.

Probably.

2008-12-10T03:15:00.001-08:00

Well, this is bound to be the kiss of death, but so far so good with the Chrimbo gigs. I've heard some great stories of spectacular deaths, but so far I've managed to avoid them Not for long I'm sure. I've got The Frog and Bucket this Friday and Saturday. That's always a struggle in December: full of xmas parties who don't want to be there listening to people they don't want to listen to when all they really want to do is get wasted on the bosses money, dance like fools and indulge in sexual malpractice.

I've just finished a first draft of a treatment for a film which I'm going to submit to the BFC in the new year. Apparently they have a giant pot of money to help first time feature film writers, to develop scripts. It's an idea I've had knocking around for a while and I'm in love with it. It's a feelgood british comedy. That's all I'm saying. I hope they like it, a friend of mine took them an idea recently and they've given her £12,000 to write the thing.

You have to pay it back if the movie gets made, but a payout like that would certainly make it a lot easier to take a few months out to write the thing.

I've never really written a treatment before. Not a proper one outlining all the beats of the story. I found a few examples here
Some are helpful, some are awful. I found it a weird process and my first draft is actually my third draft. The real first draft was just the story, the second draft was the story with all the problems ironed out and the third draft - which is where it came alive - was where all the emotion and character went in.
That's what I've got at the moment, I'm going to put it away for a week and then do another rewrite of it before sending it off.

Good news this week: I've got some characters in the next series of Scallywagga on BBC3. The doctor says the little bump behind my ear isn't going to kill me and I made the world's tastiest ever roasted red pepper soup.

Bad news this week: lost two TV warm-up gigs because of a change in scheduling which is a real ballache.

one good

2008-12-05T05:59:00.000-08:00

See, I told you I'd update it and I'm updating it...

Last night, same venue but different line-up apart from me. That means four comics including compere. All good acts who play top flight circuit clubs.

We had:
One proper death.
One near miss/recovery
One good
One alright.

The crowd were about 90% women. Mainly nurses. I left straight after the show. I imagine some poor men were ripped to shreds in the Printworks last night.

I think tonight is when it starts to get really tough. I'm going on with Fairytale of New York loaded on the CD player so if the shit hits the fan we can have a singsong. that usually keeps the baying mobs happy.

Happy christmas

bunny

2008-12-04T06:23:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas time and that means a stand-up comedians worst nightmare. Playing to drunken works chrimbo parties. It's a weird dynamic because hardly any of them want to see a show so what you get is 60% who just want to spend the bosses money on booze, 10% are the office clown and want the night to be about them, 20% are probably conducting an affair and the remaining 10% are either:

a) Trying to get Tracy from admin pissed in the hope of a snog or...
b) Are Tracy from admin.

Either way none of them want to listen to what you've got to say. Which is horrible, but also good because they pay through the nose and you double your wages. I have to focus on the money because in December I leave each gig feeling like a little bit of my soul has just died.

The story so far - I'm going to update this. No I really am. Not like the Sunday Sport list I was going to post every week, but never got round to - this is going to be a catalogue of Christmas gigs. The good the bad and the ugly.

It started for real last night. Opus, Manchester Printworks. Two large parties in: nurses from a burns unit - comedy gold - a large table of solicitors and some French people. I dunno why either.

It was alright. I got laughs. They were looking the right way and they paid attention. That's it really, nothing more to report. If they're all like that I'll be a happy bunny. I'm back there tonight and through to Saturday. The fun is about to start... I can feel it.

listy

2008-11-26T06:47:00.000-08:00

busy, busy, busy... and not doing anything that exciting really.

I spent three days last week doing a brochure for a bank... yes, a bank. A bloody bank. That's not comedy writing. That's... that's... the thin end of the wedge that's what that is.

Anyway, it's something that needs to be done to pay the bills. And I'm grateful of it at the moment. Of course I'd much prefer to be writing eight episodes and a Christmas special of an original comedy... but at the moment I have a new baby and a wife whose former boss won't pay her maternity because he's decided to wind the company up and now we're having to sue him. All nonsense I could do without.

I've also been pitching stories to the Sunday Sport. Which was kid of the purpose of this post really.

Every Monday I come up with a list of stories - fantastical ridiculous stories - and email them over to the editor Nick Appleyard, who then might commission a few of them.

It's fun to do and certiainly a lot more fulfilling than writing about fiscal philanthropy or whatever it was I was doing.

I'm going to start posting the lists I sent over on here. See if you can guess which ones got commissioned and which ones didn't.

This is the first list I sent over when I first started about four weeks ago:

I'm not going to edit them to try and make myself seem funnier. This is how they went over:

puberty to be put back three years says Europe memo.

taliban the musical to launch on broadway... songs include "I Tora Bora puddycat"

ninja sues islam over burka headgear

Is John McCain, Highlander??? - has the US presidential hopeful been around since the dawn of time? photo casebook shows someone who looks suspiciously like him on bayoux tapestry, as a witchfinder, on deck of titanic etc...

BMW drivers really are idiots, say boffins.

teachers no longer allowed to teach 'English' as government deem it racist, claims leaked memo

Panda baiting - toffs banned from hunting foxes spend hundreds of thousands on sick new pastime buying endangered animals and pitching them into battle..

Hookers to adopt 'toll charge' model. Punters will be charged more depending on the time of day and how far they want to go.

Paedophile called Jeremy Kyle gets abusive letters from people thinking he's the chat show host.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2008-11-22T02:58:00.001-08:00

What a week...

First Sarah's car won't work, then the laptop breaks, then my watch breaks and last night the Sky+ broke. I'll be honest, I'm a little bit worried. I'm thinking it might be me next.

Oh, AND I had the monologue piece I submitted to Radio 4 rejected. I'm quite gutted about that because I really liked it and there's nowhere else it could go really. So I'll just have to sit on it for a while. Fairly positive feedback though, just no keen on the continuous single voice format. Apparently they like their comedy and drama to be a break from the "relentless reportage" of their daily output. Ah well.

I've got another idea for radio I'm really keen on. So after I've filled out my funding for for the British Film council to see if I can get some cash from them to write a film idea I have, I'll start work on that.

I did have some good news. Susan Nickson of Two Pints fame asked to see my Sunday Lunchers script and texted Micheal Jacob close to midnight to ask if I could come and do a week on the show. We've turned that into two weeks now. I'm really looking forward to it.

I've got some comedy college pics I'll put up soon.

dinner

2008-11-11T10:41:00.001-08:00

Oh... my head.

Comedy college kicked off in style yesterday with a talk from Jon Mountague who runs BBC Comedy North, we then watched an episode of My Family, we'll be spending this week rewriting a first draft script of the show as an exercise. The idea being we'll watch the broadcast episode on Friday and see how ours compares.

There are some WWE wrestlers staying in the same hotel and hundreds of WWE fans. What a bunch of characters they are. They all started trying to get into the hotel. It was like something out of The Warriors. The hotel bar imposed increasingly bizarre rules to try and put them off. At first it was one drink per customer, then it was only one drink per customer and you could only get served if you had your roomcard and something else. Finally there was some sort of password you had to give. It didn't work. When we found out we could only have one drink the collegiates ingeniuosly got around this by making sure their one drink was a bottle of wine.

NOT paid for by the BBC I hasten to add. No chance.

Tuesday we did out first session of brainstorming ideas for the My Family script, then we had a psychotherapist come in and talk about various psychological theories of comedy, Jung's archetypes and... stuff. Quite useful.

And watched an episode of the Gary Shandling show. Never seen it before. Brilliant.

Got a gig tonight in Tyldesely... wherever that is.

Comedy College

2008-11-10T03:30:00.000-08:00

It's week 2, Comedy College... starting today. Everyone is coming up from London for a week of talks and stuff at the Macdonald Hotel in Manchester.

If I get chance I'll keep this updated with goings on.

ta-da!!!

2008-10-31T04:26:00.000-07:00

oh, here it is... my page from last week...

I Tora Bora Puddytat

2008-10-31T03:21:00.000-07:00

Bloody hell... I knew I'd let it slide. The thing is I've been really, really busy. which is good. And Blogs are essentially something people with too much time on their hands do. So I've not been doing it. It's always been there though. niggling at the back of my mind. Bloody thing.

Right what's happened? David has been commissioned for a series of Admin. It's gone to his head. He's already started wearing sunglasses at night and answering his front door naked. We're working with some girls developing a script we want to stage as a live show, but ultimately pitch as a sitcom. They are all mental. Seriously. Nice, but mental.

BBC Comedy North have finally decided that we're going to film a couple of the internet shorts I wrote about a man called Steve Bishop who is looking for the love of his life. Which will be nice. I'm to play Steve, but half of one of my eyebrows is missing at the moment after I had an OCD moment the other day and couldn't stop picking it. I know. disgusting. I'm going to have to wait for that to grow back.

The monologue I pained and groaned about has gone off to Radio 4. It's an idea I developed with a friend. He kind of came up with the concept and I came up with a script and the treatment and the ideas which have taken it this far. Apparently the head of development likes the title. I'm not sure how encouraged I should be by that information... but it's got to be good news, surely. Hasn't it.

I haven't touched my Comedy College script since I met with Mr Smoking Room Brian Dooley - bloody lovely fella by the way. Even if he did go to Cambridge. It needs a total rewrite, the next college residential is in two weeks when everyone comes to Manchester. More to be posted as I hear it.

Oh, and speaking of Cambridge I've been asked for sketches for a BBC2 pilot for an ex footlights member. Deadline next week... shit...

What's been taking my time up is a copywriting job I've taken to help pay the bills, AND writing stories for the Sunday Sport.

I have to say the Sport Newspapers took a bit of a battering recently. Since Tony Livesey left they've been all over the show, it's been through a few relaunches but circulation figures have kept dropping. I'm not bothered about the Daily Sport, that's a horrible paper, but the Sunday Sport was once an institution. Before it got loaded with ropey models and lowest common denominator sex stories it was a great funny read. And I'm glad to say it's gone back to form. It's filling out now with funny stories under the guidance of new editor Nick Appleyard, so I've been pitching a few funnies there to try and keep the wolf from the door.

Last week I managed to get a full page with: Taliban the musical to launch on broadway... songs include "I Tora Bora puddycat"

Other stories I got in were: teachers no longer allowed to teach 'English' as government deem it racist, claims leaked memo; Panda baiting - toffs banned from hunting foxes spend hundreds of thousands on sick new pastime buying endangered animals and pitching them into battle; and paedophile called Jeremy Kyle gets abusive letters from people thinking he's the chat show host.

I've just given them an idea about Osama Bin Laden sending Jonathan Ross a message of support (he's in a lot of trouble this week). They want 250 words...

Better get writing. Then off to Leicester Jongleurs for the weekend... huzzah!

snowing on my shoulders

2008-10-20T03:50:00.000-07:00

I have been struck down with a massive bout of dandruff. Seriously. It looks like Amy Winehouse has sneezed on my shoulders.

Off to meet Mr Smoking Room, Brian Dooley today. I haven't a clue what to expect to get out of it but I'm really looking forward to just sitting down and chatting about the script.

The monologue was well received. But... oh yes there's always a but, I'm going to chop it down and do a 15 minute version to see if it works. just because there are more 15 minute slots available on Radio 4 for 'new' writers.

I found out from the British Sitcom Guide that there is a new Radio 4 sketch show taking submissions. it's called 'Recorded For Training Purposes' and has communication of varying sorts as it's central theme. They're only taking three sketches off each person so I've thought of a few to send in. Although this week is Scallywagga deadline ... again so I should think of some more for that.

ho-hum

fat lad smoking marlboro

2008-10-16T03:12:00.000-07:00

it's getting a bit nippy. So I've got the office door closed, which means poor Ruby is smudging the glass with her wet nose trying to get out at the squirrels.

I finally finished the monologue I've been writing. It's called Four More Days, and it's part of a series I want to pitch to Radio 4. Got to say I'm really happy with it. Happier than I've ever been with any piece of writing I've ever done. I'm actually a little bit proud of it. Which can mean only one thing - it's going to get ripped to shreds and no-one is going to like it. That seems to be the way of things. It's currently with Micheal Jacob. We shall see.

I met the Mighty Boosh at the weekend, they were doing a show at Sheffield Memorial Hall as was I. Albeit mine was in a much smaller room, with much less make-up. Well I say met. I nodded at them as I went outside for a fag.

Hundreds of girls with painted-green faces were all gathered by the stage door, presumably hoping for a glimpse of Julian and Noel.

Poor things, all they actually got was a glimpse of a fat lad smoking Marlboro.

I've been making some contacts in the copywriting world, because as it stands I have a baby to feed and relying on stand-up to make all the money I need is proving a bit stressful. So I'm going to make a foray into the world of writing news and features and press releases and ... stuff.

I've got a meeting with a lady tomorrow and with a PR/marketing company next week. So fingers crossed little Maggie might soon be able to eat. here she is by the way:

Yeah, look at her, she's starving.

smoking

2008-10-10T05:48:00.001-07:00

David and I have finished the murder/mystery/sketch show script. We're both feeling pretty bloody chuffed with it, and rightly so I think. it's good. I'm learning that I have to savour these brief moments of good will I feel towards a script, because it doesn't last long.

Anyway we've sent it to Matt at Channel K and he's going to put it forward for a Comedy Lab. So fingers crossed. It's out of our hands now.

I've been e-chatting with Brian Dooley, writer of The Smoking Room, who now works for Talkback Thames.

Micheal Jacob sent him the script I've written for Comedy College because he thought Brian would really get it. And he does, he says he likes it a lot. I'm going to go and meet him a week next Monday and hopefully he'll work with me on it. Or at least have some ideas.

I'm excited, I really, really liked The Smoking Room.

Seaside Feel

2008-10-07T02:10:00.001-07:00

Wish I could say I feel refreshed and relaxed after taking the weekend off, but I mixed Jack Daniels with white wine last night and I'm not feeling anything much other than slightly bilious.

It all got a bit mental last week so I never finished my monologue. Today I've got to tinker with a script David and I are submitting to Comedy Lab. It's a kind of murder mystery narrative sketch show with a seaside feel.

And you don't see many of those... maybe.

Deep Sea Fishing

2008-10-01T07:32:00.000-07:00

Spoke with Hugo Blick this morning, at 9.30 on the dot. It was good. Informative. We spoke about Marion and Geoff, about The Last Word Monologues, about unreliable witnesses and about how monologues are bloody difficult to get right.

He likes to think of the lie first, to think of the destination where the story is going to finish - the reveal at the end - and kind of work backwards, but he doesn't plan stories as individual threads. because he's wary that then you might be able to 'see the wires'.

Then he thinks for a long time before writing anything. A couple of weeks just thinking. Stuff will appear which is instructive to the destination of the story. He calls that Deep Sea Fishing.

Hugo specialises in 'the unreliable witness.' Take Marion and Geoff, he said Rob Brydon already had the character of Keith Barret, but what made it work was turning him into a man who's lying but who doesn't seem to know that himself because he's in such a state of denial. Then when it comes down to the audience to be the facilitators of truth by reading between the lines that's what creates the lovely tension which works with Marion and Geoff.

Of The Final Word Monologues, he was wary to have crossed into Alan Bennett territory with the Sheila Hancock one. This was a woman who was very self aware and not like the unreliable witnesses he usually writes.

He went back to type for A Bit of Private Business with Bob Hoskins and Six Days One June, weith Rhys Ifans. Both of which were fantastic, if you haven't seen them, do. Each script took about six weeks from start to finish.

That's all I can tell you really. Last night I figured out exactly how my monologue should end. So I'm going to finish it, this week hopefully.

cock and balls story

2008-09-30T01:10:00.000-07:00

Well, that five days of summer we finally had in September has properly fucked off now hasn't it.

I'm sitting here in my office - a converted garage which looks out into the garden - the dog, Ruby, is sitting under a tree and staring maniacally into the branches because she thinks there might be a squirrel up there and she doesn't want to miss the opportunity to howl like a lunatic and throw herself at the fence if it appears.

I joined Weight Watchers last night. I felt good that I'd joined, so I got drunk to celebrate. Well, you get free beer tokens when gigging at the Iguana, it would have been a waste otherwise.

Interesting Iguana Bar fact: a few months ago scouse comic Brendan Riley was headlining the night when a punter stood on a table and started waving his testicles at the stage. Eye witnesses say they were enormous. Anyway, he was thrown out. Quite carefully I imagine. Whereupon - that's a great word isn't it - he decided to continue the show outside the large glass window by standing on a bin. And there he stayed, with his pants around his ankles and his bits swinging entertainingly until the police came and arrested him and gave him an £80 fine.

I've only ever known one person to wave their testicles in public and that was Simon Dean at the Sunday Sport Christmas party in 199... something. It was at Tatton Park, in a giant marquee made to look like the deck of a ship and a hundred tables. The MC announced the occupants of every table who cheered to hear their names as he read them out. Well, most of us cheered. When he announced us Simon Dean jumped on the table and waved his cock and balls at the rather shocked primary school teachers and solicitors firms sitting either side of us. Which was nice.

I got an email from Davina at BBC Comedy North yesterday. She likes an an online idea I sent, a very simple series of self-contained two minute sketches based on a character I've created called Steve Bishop. It's getting sent to the 'online exec' who will give a yes or a no. My money is on 'no'.

Things to do today...
Scallywagga sketches
Make weight watchers vegetable curry
prepare some questions for chat with HB tomorrow.

Monday Monday

2008-09-29T05:12:00.000-07:00

Yawn, crawled out of bed at 10am after David Isaac texted me telling me to get up as we have a meeting with Matt from Channel K about a sketch show we're working on.

So I got showered and dressed, optimistically put on shorts and a t-shirt. Silly move. Spent a few minutes with Maggie - who slept through again last night - and pottered off into town to meet David and Matt both at a lovely little coffee shop in the Northern Quarter, called Drip.

It's a nice place run by two women who I used to live next door to, the coffee is lush but the sandwiches... The sandwiches seem to have been made by someone who has no concept, whatsoever, of the the size and mechanics of the human mouth.

They're cut from thick Ciabatta sliced at acute angles which are then toasted to ensure the edges become razor sharp, making it impossible to bite into one without losing a lip.

We've got a brief to write a few things for the end of the week.

Last night I watched Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind - which I thought was excellent, if a little bit annoying.

I also watched one of The Last Word Monologues which Hugo Blick wrote for BBC1 recently. It was a big help actually. The one I watched last night was 29 minutes long, it was Bob Hoskins playing a hitman waiting for a victim. I worked it out that there were five different stories threaded throughout the monologue. I'd be interested to know if he plans each of these seperately, you know... six minutes a story... or if... I dunno. I'd have to plan them all seperately.

I think I'm starting to understand monologues now. I'm still interested to hear how he structures them. I'm calling him on Wednesday now at 9.30am.

Tonight I'm gigging at the Iguana Bar in Chorlton. It's an odd gig, it's run for years, God knows how, it's never a easy. I suppose it's testament to the love the punters and management have for Des Sharples the MC, and booker . Last time I was there someone threatened to batter me because I did a joke about ginger hair. The threat of physical violence can always add a certain frisson to a comedy show.

I think I've worked out what I need to do to my monologue. Shall I rewrite it or work on stuff for tonight??? I know I'll have a game of Call of Duty 4 and decide.

Get In!!!

2008-09-26T17:30:00.001-07:00

Just got back from the rugby club gig, it was actually pretty bloody lovely. It really shouldn't have worked - the PA was non-existent, we were using a mike routed through the CD player or something so that it came out of odd little round speakers suspended in the false ceiling; the lighting was ... well they just turned them off really, and the stage... well, it was a table upon which they'd placed a stool and a lectern. Don't ask.

But against all odds, it was really nice.

Just got back home to find an email from Hugo Blick saying to call him about the monologues.. Brilliant. I will. Monday.

Alan Partridge is alive and well

2008-09-26T03:24:00.000-07:00

And working at BBC West Midlands apparently.

This is a fantastic clip:
Les Ross and Hardeep Singh Kholi

the sound of one voice talking

2008-09-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but I thought writing a monologue was going to be easy.

I've been writing a monologue for the last couple of weeks. It's for an idea I want to pitch to Radio 4, and it's really been doing my head in, because now I've got into it, It's probably the most difficult bit of writing I've done.

I just kept hitting a dead end. I knew where the story was supposed to go, and I knew the other people who were involved in the story, who played an active role in the story, but I just wasn't able to write the story.

Via Micheal Jacob I sent an email to Hugo Blick, creator of Marion and Geoff and who has just done a season of Monologues on BBC1 recently asking him for any advice - he hasn't replied yet. Micheal came up with the suggestion that, as an exercise, I should write the story from the point of view of one of the other characters. Which I did and it helped me realise where I was going wrong.

Where I was going wrong was that I hadn't planned it properly. I was under the impression that a monlogue was one person talking in their own inimitable way about 'stuff' and touching upon elements of the story until finally you get to a conclusion or a denouemont. Silly pillock.

It's not. Because 'stuff' isn't really that interesting. What that would be, would be a 'rant.' A monologue has to be a story, and a bloody good story. It needs plotting as carefully as any narrative does. Even though you never hear from the characters mentioned throughout the story, you need to know every single one of them well enough that you would be able to write the whole thing from their point of view if needed. And it doesn't just need a beginning a middle and an end, it needs drama, it needs cliffhangers, it needs suspense and teases, it needs every little trick you can muster of to keep the reader reading or the listener listening, because the sound of just one voice talking can be a bit of a bore otherwise.

A massive help has been Alan Bennett's Talking Heads, series which I would recommend to anyone who, like me, is trying to write these bloody things for the first time. If you can suggest any others, please do. I'll be more than happy to check them out.

Anyway, I've now got my script to about 15 minutes, and I've done a second draft which I was happy with this afternoon, but I've just read it again and decided it's absolutely terrible. So I'm going to hide it in a drawer for a few days and see what happens.

I'm going to write some sketches because the Scallywagga series 2 deadline is pressing and I also want to send some stuff to School of Comedy (C4) and Wrong Door (BBC3), which thoroughly deserves a second series.

Tonight I'm gigging at a rugby club. It's going to be horrible, I can feel it. Not only is there nowhere to plug my guitar in but I'm following two really, really strong acts: John Scott and Anvil Springstein. I may very well die on my hole.

Take the money and run

2008-09-24T23:50:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to do a stand-up gig in St Helens. But it wasn't any normal gig, oh no. this was a gig born of madness. It was a 'high-concept' comedy gig, the result of a feverish mind, a marketing exec and a need to fleece a local council of as much money as possible.

This was drink-up-stand-up. Part orf St Helens Comedy Festival... yes St Helens Comedy Festival. Who knew!!!

The idea is that during the course of a night a band of happy punters travel from pub to pub through the streets of St Helens - a town which boats a French restaurant called 'Le Frog' - and in each bar a comedian entertains them while they have a drink.

I was the first comedian in the first bar, a place called Zoo on Westfield Street, a long room where the audience were better lit than the stage and the only thought going through my head was whether or not the noise of my feet sticking and unsticking to the floor as I paced about was actually louder than the PA system.

Dan Nightingale was MCing. Bless him. At least I could take the money and run after performing 20 minutes to a mixture of tittering and staring. He had to lead the happy throng between bars like an hilarious Pied Piper cracking jokes through a megaphone as they went.

Still, at least it wasn't Bus-Stop-Stand-Up where they put punters on a bus and comedians perform a show for them as they drive around town. Yes, they honestly do this at St Helen's Comedy Festival.

Here's some more ideas for the marketing geniuses to consider.

Pit Stop Stand Up - Performed at the side of a race track. As many gags as you can squeeze into the 10 seconds it takes an F1 driver to have their tyres changed.

Lap-Dance-Stand-up - comedian gyrates erotically around a pole whilst pointing out the hilarious differences between dogs and cats.

Pick-Up-Stand-Up - comedians lighten the load for stressed out stranded motorists by sitting in the back of the rescue truck and cracking gags all the way home.

Wash-Up-Stand-up - comedians take the place of toilet attendants (Bog Goblins) and entertain visitors as well as passing them towels and spraying them with bootlegged cologne.

Get-Down-Stand-Up - disco classes but with an hilarious twist.

A new way to waste some time...

2008-09-24T09:15:00.000-07:00

Hello, my name is John and I write and perform comedy. I've been doing stand-up for nearly seven years and not long ago I left my full-time job to concentrate on writing narrative comedy for TV and radio.

That means I've got to use stand-up to pay the bills. I have a house, a wife on maternity leave, a baby daughter, a dog and two cars. I'd better start being really funny.

That does not mean this is going to be a funny blog.

In fact I don't know what this blog is going to be. My original idea was that it could follow my fledgling comedy writers career, as I attempt to make something resembling a decent wage from it and maybe giving a bit of insight into the business from a new writers point of view.

What it will probably become wil be:
1. neglected
2. a new way to waste time when I should be working
3. very moany
4. tragic
5. desperate
6. all of the above.

we'll see.